Cierto dÃa, un tipo llega concupiscente a su casa; toma a su mujer por la cintura y, con voz desesperada y cachonda a la vez, le susurra al oÃdo:
Mi amor, estoy muy excitado y te voy a dar hasta por las orejas.
¡No, por las orejas no, por favor, me voy a quedar sorda!
¿Y cuándo te has quedado muda?
Un turista se hallaba recorriendo Nueva York. De repente se mete en un subte y se pasa de estación y cuando se baja se da cuenta de que está en el Bronx. Sale de la estación y en eso se le acercan cinco negros gigantes y adelante de los cinco un negro chiquitito. El tipo piensa
Chau, cagué.
En eso se abre el cielo y sale una voz y le dice al tipo:
TodavÃa no cagaste, corre para la derecha.
El tipo sale corriendo para la derecha y los negros liderados por el negro chiquitito atrás persiguiéndolo. En eso lo están alcanzando y el tipo piensa:
Chau, cagué.
De nuevo se abre el cielo y la voz le dice
TodavÃa no cagaste, dobla a la izquierda.
El tipo dobla a la izquierda y se da cuenta que era un callejón sin salida, y piensa:
Chau, cagué.
En eso se abre de nuevo el cielo y la voz le dice:
TodavÃa no cagaste, ponele una trompada en el medio de la jeta al negro chiquitito.
El tipo toma envión y le mete un arrebato en el medio de la cara al negro chiquitito que le arranca tres dientes, la nariz, le rompe la mandÃbula y le deja un ojo en compota. En eso los cinco negros que lo secundaban al chiquitito se ponen como locos, rojos de furia, empiezan a sacar cuchillos, cadenas, revólveres, de todo y empiezan a avanzar acorralando al tipo. Entonces el tipo mira para arriba y pregunta:
¿Y ahora qué?
En eso se abre el cielo y la voz le dice:
Ahora sÃ, cagaste.
Dont let worry kill you — let the church help.
Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
How do you start a parade in Mexico?
Roll a couple of pesos down a hill.
One day there was a woman who was about to have babies. She went to a fortune teller and the fortune teller said she would have twins — and they would be demons. The news somehow got on TV, so there were FBI agents and cops in the hospital room where the woman was going to give birth. They had guns ready to shoot the babies when they came out. One of the babies stuck his head out and saw what was going on. So he stuck his head back in and told his brother. After hearing what was going to happen the second brother said, “Lets go out the back way.”
Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, If you were a musician, who would you be?.
Chuck Norris said, I would be Motzart. Jean Claud VanDam said, I would be Bethoven. Arnold said, Ill be Bach!
Def Leppard.
Heard this one at work:
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?
Are you kidding? said St. Peter. It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. Ill never get a lawyer!
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, My other car is a combine.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
Un tipo se compró una moto Ninja 1100, y para estrenarla se llevó a dos amigos, entre ellos un tartamudo:
Móntense, vamos a probar mi moto.
Los dos amigos se montan y el tipo arranca como loco. Al cabo de un rato el sujeto voltea y pregunta:
Quiubo, mano, ¿cómo vamos?
Y el tartamudo responde:
Jajajaja ja ja ja ja…
¿Ah, s� ¡Vamos a ver!
Y el motociclista acelera todavÃa más. Un rato después pregunta nuevamente:
¿Cómo vamos?
Jajaja ja ja ja jaja…
¿Ah, s�
Esta vez acelera la moto a máxima velocidad; para y, con aire de autosuficiencia, insite:
Quiubo, ¿cómo nos fue?
Jajajajairo se cayó en la primera vuelta!