Old and New Jokes

What do you call a black guy on a bike?

A thief!

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbors bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

Yeah daddy, yeah daddy, said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was
talking with some friends. Say, Pop, said the boy. Yes,
replied his father.

The bull just fucked the brown cow.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said
Excuse me and took his son outside. Son, you mustnt use
language like that in front of company. You should say
The bull surprised the brown cow. Now go and watch
and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said, Hey, Daddy.

Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?

He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, What is Easter?

The blonde replies, Oh, thats easy! Its the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…

Wrong!, You must go to HELL replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, What is Easter?

The second blonde replies, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her shes wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,

What is Easter?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, I know what Easter is. Oh? says St. Peter, incredulously.

Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

What has 3 balls and comes from outer space?

ET – The extra testicle!

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husbands best friend. They engage in hot, passionate sex for hours, and afterwards, while theyre just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the womans house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation…
She is speaking in a cheery voice and says, Hello? Oh, hi. Im so glad that you called. Really? Thats wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, Who was that?
Oh she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time hes having on his hunting trip with you.

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost? and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks Who here has ever SEEN a ghost? and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost? and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says what was it like? and he said Oh…it was great!! Never had any like it before!! and she asked Really?? So the ghost was good?? and the old man said GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!

HUSBAND 1.0 There are alot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0
to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the
implications of this change…

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled
to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal
and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system
administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and
demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of
interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes
without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband
1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to
be running processes which you have not authorised. If this happens
alot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and
severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if
not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known
on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but
unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to
be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and
most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised
would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use
entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so
deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are inpossible to
eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not
understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic
functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking
mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than
originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down
correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased
risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also
tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often
multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn
unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make
huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old
versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have
the required result. This generally results in spawned processes
scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often
than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long
time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious
processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by
perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply
the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is
nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again
later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult
to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on
floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often
than youd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy
1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading
Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new
program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged
into any of your ports.

A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old mans voice on the other side of the screen. The old man says, Father, Im eighty-one years old, Ive been married to the same woman for fifty-four years, and have always been faithful. But yesterday, I made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely eighteen-year-old twin sisters.

The priest asks, When was the last time you went to confession?

The old man replies, Never … Im Jewish.

The priest is puzzled. Then why did you come here today to tell me this?

The old man says, Oh … heck … Im telling everybody!!!

Bills all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting
in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he
kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder,
and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says Youve got 2 choices. One, I maul you to
death or Two, we have sex. Bill bends over for the bear.

Hes sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill
heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear
and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A
huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says,
That was a big mistake. Youve got 2 choices, Either I maul you
to death or we have sex. Bill bends over.

He survives, but hes really hurting and takes quite a bit of
time to recover. Hes outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to
Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank
range. Theres a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an
enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, You dont really
come here for the hunting, do you?

My favorite museum when I was growing up, the one that influenced me the most, was the Kit Carson Museum.

It was really impressive because right away when you walked in what you saw was this case with two human skulls in it, dramatically presented.

One skull was larger and had a label stating The Skull of Kit Carson. That was really something.

Then, to the side, there was this smaller skull with a label that said The Skull of Kit Carson as a Boy …