Old and New Jokes

Era una vez Pepito que estaba en clases de anatomía, entonces la maestra pide que alguien pase a dibujar el cerebro. Todos querían participar y Pepito era el más inquieto por pasar, pero la maestra le pide a Juanito que pase.

Después, pide que alguien pase a dibujar el pulmón. A pesar de la insistencia de Pepito, la maestra pasa a otro niño, y así sucesivamente todos los órganos del cuerpo, hasta que al final la maestra pide que alguien pase a dibujar el corazón. Pepito insiste tanto que la maestra al fin cede y Pepito, muy seguro y muy serio, dibuja ¡perfectamente! el corazón, pero al final le pone unas patitas…

La maestra, muy extrañada, le pregunta:

Pepito, ¿a quién le has escuchado que el corazón tenga patas?

Pepito, muy serio, le contesta:

A mi papá maestra, todas las noches oigo que le dice a mi mamá: abrete de patitas corazón.

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.



Morris shouts across the garage, Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute! The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.



Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?



Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic…

Now try doing it with the engine running!

Overnight, Gov. Elect Jesse Ventura announced various appointments to his new administration.

Press Secretary – Mean Gene Okerlund
Agriculture Commissioner – Kenny The Sodbuster Jay
Chairman of 7 County Mosquito Control District – Jimmy Super Fly Snuka
Education Commissioner – Bobby The Brain Heenan
National Guard Adjutant General – Sargeant Slaughter
Transportation Commissioners – The Road Warriors
Commissioner of the Arts – Rock and Roll Buck Zumhofe
Chairman, Govs Council on Physical Fitness – Jerry Blackwell
Animal Rights Commissioner – Mad Dog Vachon
State Title IX Coordinator – Macho Man Randy Savage
Tribal Affairs Commissioner – Wahoo McDaniel
Co-Chairs, State Recycling Program – Junkyard Dog and Ray The Crusher Stevens
Highway Maintenance Engineer – Dusty Rhodes
Trade Envoy to Japan – Mr. Fuji
State Treasurer – The Million Dollar Man Ted Diebiase
Chief of Staff and Mentor – Vern Gagne
State Gaming Commissioner – Black Jack Lanza
Timber Commission Chairman – Larry The Axe Henning
Winter Carnival Coordinator – Stone Cold Steve Austin

1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib…baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.

2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you dont have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze…or even if you do…baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.

3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer… but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.

4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless…baby will find spot.

5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.

6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today…size 3 on Wednesday…

7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.

8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee…lets see if the washing machine has eaten today…

9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night…that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws..

10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone elses stash and the clothes look cleaner…just trade…they will probably be too tired to notice…)

One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.
When he asked, the man said, I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm… Chicken sure sounds good tonight. The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack. Well Ill tell you, replied the man, If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack Ill give them both to you.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!

the panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?

Why yes, the barman answered. Your a panda.

Good, the panda nodded Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary. And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Ok guys, own up…which one are you?

Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellows thingy.

Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.

Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, My name is Larry and I am a SNAG.

Another guy says, Whats that?

The first guy says, That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.

Another one says, My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, Whats that?

He says, That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.

A lady says, Thats nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.

Larry says, A WIFE? Whats a WIFE?

She says, That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Con una escasa educación y sin ningún entrenamiento, al único puesto que Andrés pudo aspirar fue de operador en la línea de producción de una nueva fábrica japonesa que se instaló en la región. Meses después de que comenzó a trabajar, la empresa organizó un concurso entre los obreros y ofreció un gran premio: un viaje de una semana a Japón (con todos los gastos pagados) para conocer al presidente de la compañía. Andrés ganó el premio, ya que fue diligente en sus deberes, trabajó duro, siempre llegó a tiempo y nunca tomó descanso ni para ir al baño.

Que no entendiera una sola palabra en japonés no fue ningún impedimento para realizar el viaje, ya que varios de los ejecutivos nipones hablaban español. Finalmente, nuestro hombre llegó al aeropuerto de Tokio y a su hotel. Por la tarde, una geisha se presentó en el cuarto de Andrés y éste supuso que podría dañar las relaciones internacionales si no realizaba algunas relaciones con la chica. Esforzándose al máximo, dedujo que la joven estaba disfrutándolo porque comenzó a gritar:

¡Bong Tsai! ¡Bong Tsai!

Como la chica se retorcía y brincaba con gran animación y viveza, supuso que Bong Tsai era una exclamación de alegría.

Así que continuó realizando su mejor esfuerzo… y ella continuó gritando: ¡Bong Tsai!

Al día siguiente, Andrés fue recogido por el gerente de operaciones americanas para llevarlo a jugar golf con el presidente y el vicepresidente de la compañía. Como ninguo de los dos hablaba español, el gerente sirvió como intérprete.

El juego procedió agradablemente hasta el cuarto hoyo. En ese par tres, el presidente pegó un gran tiro, que botó dos veces, para que finalmente la bola cayera en el receptáculo para un hoyo en uno. El oriental empezó a gritar y gritar con gran entusiasmo. Entonces, Andrés supuso que debería decir algo y recordó los alegres gimoteos de la tarde anterior y entonces exclamó:

¡Bong Tsai! ¡Bong Tsai!, pensando que era una frase adecuada para la ocasión.

Se hizo un pesado silencio en el grupo. Todos miraron fijamente a Andrés e incrédulo, el gerente de operaciones americanas le cuestionó:

¿Qué quiere decir con que es el hoyo equivocado?