Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette…Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lapOhio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window.West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, youre all moving at the same speed either way.Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks…also cr
George W. Bushs closest advisors came to visit him at the White House
one evening, and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up.
They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.
When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was
celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that
wasnt much of an accomplishment.
Ah, but youre wrong. I did it in record time.
When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it
after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasnt that great.
Oh yeah? said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5
years!
Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said, If you were my husband I would poison your drink. Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, And if you were my wife I would drink it.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, Oh God, Im doomed!
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: Okay . . . . NOW youre doomed.
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket. The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend we are married. Why not, giggles the woman. Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.
Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.
Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.
Un grupo de monjas se va a confesar; la primera comienza:
Padre, me he reÃdo en misa.
Está bien, hija, reza un rosario.
Viene la segunda:
Padre, me he reÃdo en misa.
La tercera dice lo mismo, y la cuarta, y la quinta, hasta que llega la última y el sacerdote se adelanta:
Ya sé, tú también te reÃste en misa.
No, padre, yo fui la que me tiré el pedo.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.