Old and New Jokes

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they didnt smell and are silent.



The doctor says I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.



The next week the lady goes back, Doctor, she says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly.



Good, the doctor said. Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised
its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. Its all relative.

This is a true story, as my mother is the subject.

For the uninitiated, a colonscopy is a medical procedure, performed by a surgeon, in which the inside of your colon is examined. The patient, mildly sedated, lies on their stomach and the surgeon uses an instrument inserted through the patients rectum to probe the colon.

My uncle being the unfortunate victim of colon cancer, my mother must now have a yearly colonsocopy.

Three years ago, when she went for the first one, she was lying on the table in the operating room, somewhat high from intravenous valium. Her surgeon was a very nice, young, very quiet fellow.

As he appraoched her from the rear, probing instrument in hand, my mother turned her head back around, looked him straight in the eye, and asked, Does your mother know what you do for a living?

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?

A: Debbie … thats cute. What did you name the other one?

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over but partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.

Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man hed never seen in uniform.

Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.

Hello, Jack. No smile.

Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids.

Yeah, I guess. Bob seemed uncertain.

Good. Ive seen some long days at the office lately. Im afraid I bent the rules a bit-just this once.

Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?

I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.

Ouch! This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. Whatd you clock me at?

Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?

Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65.

The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket. Please, Jack, in the car.

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dash board. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadnt he asked for a drivers license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

Thanks. Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it, a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one and Im going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times Ive tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have left.

… Bob

Jack turned around in time to see Bobs car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, hetoo, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care.

This is an important message, please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker.

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the worlds going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. Or is it scary?

Funny how someone can say I believe in God but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also believes in God). Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace. FUNNY, ISNT IT?

Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week. Are you laughing?

Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because youre not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep.

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep…

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills…

Seen on the back of a van in Rochester, New York:Caution: Blind Man DrivingOn the side of the van (after passing it to see who might be driving):Rochester Venetian Blind Co.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR
NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

From: Gary Guibor on GEnie

Files can still vote for Mayor Daley even after theyve been deleted
Marketing tie-in: new Kibbles & 32-bits dog food
New, more-realistic Microsoft Flight Simulator loses your luggage
System events accompanied by audio clip of Super Fans saying da Bearssssss…
(DELETED PENDING OUTCOME OF STACKER LAWSUIT)
Automatically taps into bank computers and gives Bill Gates the *rest* of your money
For an additional $2.95 per minute, tech support operators will talk dirty
Authentic-looking spilled coffee on desktop
In order to start Lotus 1-2-3, user must be sitting in lotus position
And the number one unpublicized feature of Chicago…
Strip solitaire