Old and New Jokes

What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair?

Artificial intellegence.

Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
No one steals your chair.

Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first? A: The brunette — the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

<from Richard Buchmiller>

A pipe burst in a doctors house. He called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as
a doctor! The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
Neither did I when I was a doctor.

Ive been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

You might be a redneck if…
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

Feel Free to Cut and Paste

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectees name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I cant imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonalds reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms bythetruckload indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you cant GET into my pants.

___ Your Putting on a few, arent you babe? comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase My Mother has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriends name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, We dont serve beer to bears in bars in Billings. The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, We dont serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings. The bear, very angry now, says, If you dont serve me a beer, Im going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings. The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, Sorry, we dont serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs. The bear says, Im NOT on drugs. Te bartender says, You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ichabod!
Ichabod?
Ichabod night out, can I borrow an umbrella!

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

You think Tang is in the fruit group.

You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABCs.