Old and New Jokes

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small, he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer, he replies quite bemused.

Aaaahhh. Theres your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

I take it you now drink Guinness?

asked the doctor.

Oh no, Doc, replies the man, but Ive got the wife on American beer!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that youÕre afraid of aliens.

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didnt translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Dear Friend,

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up yur husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men … and one of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN … one woman did, and received her own jerk back!

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday but it took four undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face.

Were counting on you,

A Satisified Woman

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?

She responds, No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.The startled passenger said, I didnt mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something.The driver says, Not your fault. Its my first day as a cab driver. Ive been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

Well said the drunk, it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

Let me have it said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. Yes he finally said, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

From my nose the drunk replied.

Fidel muere y llega al cielo pero no estaba en la lista, así que San Pedro lo manda al infierno. Cuando llega al infierno, Satanás lo recibe y le dice:

¡Hola Fidel! Te estaba esperando, pasa que acá estarás como en casa.

Fidel le responde: Gracias Satanás, pero estuve primero en el cielo y dejé olvidadas mis maletas allá.

No te preocupes, replica Satanás, voy a enviar a dos diablitos a recoger tus cosas.

Asi es como dos diablitos llegan a las puertas del cielo, pero las encuentran cerradas pues San Pedro estaba almorzando.

No importa, le dice uno al otro, trepamos la puerta y sacamos las maletas sin molestar a nadie.

Empiezan a subir la puerta cuando dos angelitos que pasaban por allí los ven y un angelito le dice al otro: No hace ni diez minutos que Fidel está en el infierno y ya tenemos refugiados.