Old and New Jokes

Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.

Your mama has more tattoos than you do.

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing? The bulls replied, We bulls wobble but we dont fall down!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?



What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.



Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.

b. Golf.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!



Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear.



Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?



Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. Ive seen fatter.

e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is Buy a Lotus and a Boat).



No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:



WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not – dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed.

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Sh&%.

Im Glad Im A Man



Im glad Im a man, you better believe.

I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west

I dont get wasted after only 2 beers

and when I do drink I dont end up in tears.

I wont spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair

and I dont go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I dont whine in public and make us leave early

and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I dont carry our differences into the sack.

Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out theres trying to steal you.

Im rational, reasonable, and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

Its more fun than dealing with women after all

I wont cry if you figure out its not going to work

I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I wont assume its permanent by any measure.

Yes, Im glad Im a man, a man you see

Im glad Im not capable of child delivery

I dont get all bitchy every 28 days

Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!

Theorem: 1 + 1 = 2
Proof:
n(2n – 2) = n(2n – 2)
n(2n – 2) – n(2n – 2) = 0
(n – n)(2n – 2) = 0
2n(n – n) – 2(n – n) = 0
2n – 2 = 0
2n = 2
n + n = 2
or setting n = 1
1 + 1 = 2

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he
has no dick.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

EL DIA PERFECTO PARA ELLA

08.15 : Despertar entre besos y abrazos.

08.30 : 2 Kg. menos que ayer en la báscula. Desayunar en la cama : zumo de naranja natural con croissants. Desenvolver regalos : joyería de lujo de parte del actual compañero.

09.15 : Relajante baño de agua caliente con sales de mar de Lancaster y aceites de Rochas.

10.00 : Gimnasia suave en el club con entrenador personal, guapo y amable.

10.30 : Tonificación facial, manicura, sesión de UVA para un bronceado ideal, acondicionador y peluquería.

13.30 : Comida con un buen amigo (artista gay) en la terraza de DYNO´S , el café-restaurante de moda en la ciudad.

13.45 : Ver pasar a la novia de su “ex” y ha engordado 8 Kg.

15.00 : Siesta.

16.00 : Repartidor guapo y amable llama a tu puerta : media dociena de rosas con la tarjeta de un admirador secreto.

17.00 : De compras con dos amigas (VISA Platino del compañero con crédito ilimitado).

18.15 : De vuelta al club : masaje con masajista guapo, musculoso y gentil, que comenta que pocas veces trabaja sobre cuerpos tan perfectos.

19.30 : Desfile de modelos y cóctel en COCO´S Boutique. Elección y compra de conjunto de Armani para la cena de esta noche.

21.30 : Cena para dos con velas y a la luz de la luna, seguido de un romántico baile. Piropos y cumplidos de otros bailarines y comensales.

23.30 : Ducha caliente (ella sola).

23.50 : A la cama en brazos. Cama nueva, sábanas de raso y música de Haendel.

00.00 : Leve y suave jugueteo con abrazos. Conversación romántica con el compañero.

00.30 : Dormir entre sus brazos.

EL DÍA PERFECTO PARA ÉL.

06.00 : Despertador

06.15 : Mamada.

06.35 : Masiva y gustosa cagada mientras lee el Sport.

06.50 : Ducha y afeitado.

07.00 : Desayuno : Pan con tomate y jagubo 5 jotas, tostadas con mermelada y café, todo preparado por una camarera de 25 años totalmente desnuda llevando un delantal.

08.30 : La limusina en la puerta.

08.35 : Un par de güisquis de malta camino del aeropuerto.

09.00 : Vuelo en jet privado, black-jack a bordo repartido por una rubia totalmente desnuda llevando una pajarita.

10.30 : Conexión por internet con un agente de bolsa: las acciones de la empresa han subido un 375 por ciento.

11.00 : Llegada. Limusina hacia Riverside Oaks Golf Club. Mamada en ruta.

13.30 : Juego en hoy nueve: 2 bajo par.

14.10 : Aperitivo: foie, salmón, caviar y Vina Tondonia del 64.

16.30 : Juego en hoyo 10: 4 bajo par.

16.50 : Limusina de vuelta al aeropuerto. Absolute vodka en vaso helado.

17.00 : Vuelo a Barbados.

18.00 : Tarde de pesca en yate, con tripulación femenina totalmente desnuda con gorra de marinero.

19.30 : Vuelta a casa: Sauna, masaje y polvo con exótica y voluptuosa noruega.

20.20 : Gin-Tonic, cagada y ducha.

20.25 : Breve ojeada a la prensa: Conde Lecquio y Enrique Iglesias han sido asesinados y el Madrid ha bajado a segunda.

22.00 : Cena: marisco, Don Perignon del 53, filete de buey poco hecho y postre: HaggenDazs servido y comido directamente sobre los pechos de la camarera.

22.30 : Armagnac y Cohibas lancero delante de la TV super-panorámica mirando la final de la Champions League: Barcelona 1 – Real Madrid 0. (Gol en el minuto 16 de descuento de la prórroga, de penalti injutos hecho por Raúl. En esa jugada, Raúl se lesiona ambas rodillas de extrema gravedad. Probablmente tenga que dejar el fútbol y quede impotente. La jugada del penalti viene precedida por 7 faltas claras en el medio campo a favor del Madrid que el árbitro no pita y el jugador al que le hacen el penalti está en claro fuera de juego, por lo menos 5 metros. El penalti lo lanzo yo, de tacón, el balón bota siete veces antes de llegar a la portería, da en el larguero, luego en un poste, vuelve a dar en el larguero, rebota en la nuca de Casillas, dejándolo inconsciente y se queda muerto en la línea de gol, sin entrar. En su afán por salvar el gol, Robertos Carlos y Hierro se lanzan a por él, con tal mala suerte que se lesionan mutuamente. Hierro está tan grave que un guardia civil lo sacrifica en el mismo campo con su pistola reglamentaria. Guti pierde totalmente el habla para siempre y queda paralítico. Consiguen sacar el balón, pero con tal mala suerte que da, primero, en los huevos de Morientes, que muere al instante y luego le rompe la cara a Iván Campo que queda desfigurado y tienen que reconstruírsela de modo que su cara parece el culo de un mono aullador del amazonas (lo más parecido a la realidad). El balón sigue botando y entra a gol. En ese mismo momento, el estadio, repleto por 200.000 aficionados del Madrid, se viene abajo, pereciendo todos debido a la ingestión de mierda que sale de los lavabos. Todos los jugadores del Barça de salvan. La tribuna de periodistas, en especial donde está TV Madrid, el Marca y el ABC queda totalmente destruida y los periodistas son devorados por una manada de perros que llevan tatuado en el lomo el escudo del Barça. Los aficionados del Madrid que no han ido al campo, tienen que aguantar durante 100 años las burlas de los del Barça. Así mismo, tienen que aguantar durante toda la vida al Madrid en segunda divisón, luchando por no descender a segunda B.

23.00 : Sexo con tres amigas de tendencias lésbicas.

00.50 : Solo en la cama.

00.55 : Pedo de 16 segundos, que cambia de melodía tres veces y obliga al perro a salir de la habitación.

10. Mass invasion from all sides and crush the Canadians with brute force.9. Casually walk through Canada/U.S. border saying youre just going to an Edmonton kegger.8. Take advantage of loose immigration laws and just infest the country with foreigners.7. Brainwash Canucks into thinking they are American using clever media propaganda. Oh wait, thats already happening.6. Just change the maps. Im sure no one will notice.5. Just buy Canada, taking advantage of outrageous currency exchange rates.4. 30 NRA members with duck rifles should be enough to do it.3. Crush the arrogant Canadians by cutting off their supply of oil, wheat, natural gas, and water.2. Send American brides north, and breed them out over a fifty year period.1. Poison their beer!

Man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.

The Rabbi asked, Whats wrong?

The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be?

The man then pleads, Im telling you, Im certain shes poisoning me, what should I do?

The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, Ill see what I can find out and Ill let you know.

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man anxiously says, Yes.

Take the poison, says the Rabbi.