A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his moms bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man!
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!
Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.
As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, What huge buttocks! Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.
The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, Christ! What huge tits!.
She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.
Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.
The other two ask, What happened? Did you put your foot in it?
No, but I could have! the third man replied.
When theres traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.You always have the right of way.Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living daylights out of them (in LA, shoot them).If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay little attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles… like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
Why wasnt Jesus born in Essex, England? Because they couldnt find three wise men and a virgin!
Ok, theres this guy in a bar, sitting at the bar, just looking at his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for over half-an-hour, not talking and barely moving. Then, a big macho guy who has been Playing pool takes notice of our friend at the bar, noticing our friend just staring at his drink for a long time. This is driving Mr. macho crazy so he walks up to the bar, grabs the drink and chugs it right down. The poor man who has been sitting at the bar starts crying.
Mr. Macho says: – Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.
Our friend at the bar replies: – No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police say they can do nothing to find my car. I get a cab to return home, and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab driver who just laughs and drives away. I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . .
Here are some of the answers given in a bible knowledge test
1. The first book of the Bible is Guinnesss in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple
2. Noahs wife was Joan of Ark
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night
4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles
5. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients
6. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments
7. The seventh commandment is, thou shalt not admit adultery
8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol
9. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines
10. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
11. The people who followed Jesus were called the 2 decibels
12. The epistles were the wives of the apostles
13. One of the opossums was St. Matthew
14. Salome danced in 7 veils in front of King Harrods
15. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage
16. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times
17. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony
18. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals
Q. What kind of bees make the best milk? A. Boo-bees!
There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, Its simple. I just say Im a lawyer. So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh, youre a lawyer? He said, Why yes I am! So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing
someone!
Filthy Stinking Rich… Well, Two Out of Three Aint Bad
I Used Up All My Sick Days… So I Called In Dead
Husband and Cat Lost… Reward for Cat
Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton
Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
Learn from Your Parents Mistakes… Use Birth Control
If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees
If You Can Read This…Kiss A Teecher
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
If You Remember the 60s, You Werent Really There
Procrastinate Now
Rehab Is for Quitters
(Across a drawing of a skeleton) Waiting for the Perfect Man
My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse… …. He Couldnt do Better and I Couldnt Do Worse
The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley
THE LAWS OF CARTOON PHYSICS
By Trevor Paquette and Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
Cartoon Law I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooges surcease.
Cartoon Law III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earths surface. A spooky noise or an adversarys signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a characters head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe loeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a walls surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.