Old and New Jokes

Ive learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you
can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?

A: Finger on chin-I dont know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Did you know that it is against the law to take a dump in another persons toilet in Kentucky?

That wife of mine is a liar, said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

How do you know? the friend asked.

She didnt come home last night and when I asked her where shed been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.

So?

So shes a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.

These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers.

Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom – where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two oclock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska):
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas – their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So whats in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this – just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?

A. Getem on their back and their both fucked.

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?

A. A blow job with handlebars

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?

A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?

A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?

A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?

A. A wine and cheese party!

Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers

DOCTORS

Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so dont expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, hell run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. Hell wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.



This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely hell ever meet another woman in his profession.



LAWYER

Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?



Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesnt have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.



SALESMAN

See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Dont be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.



The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.



HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.



The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask Honey, were you looking at her? hell honestly be able to say that he didnt even see her.



TEACHER

The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. Hell be in jail soon, and then youll have to look for another man.

knock knock
whos there
interupting moo cow
interupting moooooooooo