Old and New Jokes

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, Anthony proposed to me an hour ago. Then why are you so sad? her mother asked. Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell. Her mother replied, Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is.

If I didnt have to work so hard,
Id have more time to be depressed.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After putting a number of suitable applicants through the training and testing, the choice was narrowed down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.

The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances they explained. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man looked shocked and said, You cant be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!

Well, says the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for this job then.

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. I tried to shoot her, I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied. You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Now they had only the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said The damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!

Why do blondes always drink with straws?

Practice.



Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge?

In case he wanted black coffee.



Why shouldnt blondes be given coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.



How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow fell on her.



Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

He heard that the drinks were on the house.



This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts. She says, Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good for the skin. The milkman asks, Do you want it PASTURIZED?. She answers, No…up to my shoulders will be sufficient!

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette…Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lapOhio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window.West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, youre all moving at the same speed either way.Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks…also cr

George W. Bushs closest advisors came to visit him at the White House
one evening, and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up.
They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was
celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that
wasnt much of an accomplishment.

Ah, but youre wrong. I did it in record time.

When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it
after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasnt that great.

Oh yeah? said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5
years!

Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said, If you were my husband I would poison your drink. Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, And if you were my wife I would drink it.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket. The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend we are married. Why not, giggles the woman. Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.