Old and New Jokes

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Im sorry, we dont support that kind of lighting technology.

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. Ive got some good news and some bad news, God said. Adam looked at God and said, Well, give me the good news first. Smiling, God explained, Ive got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings? God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.

Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.

These are responses you may use when caught slepping on the job:

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.

Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!

I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken…

Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot…

… in Jesus name. Amen.

This one most certainly must have been a blonde:

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lindas eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that shed been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.

When he asked, the man said, I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm… Chicken sure sounds good tonight.

The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.

Well Ill tell you, replied the man, If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack Ill give them both to you.

in order to create the first bullet-proof Kennedy.

5.) Theyre heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4.) They periodically cut you off right when you think youve established a network connection.

3.) Theyll usually do what you ask them to do, but they wont do more than they have to and they wont think of it on their own.

2.) Theyre typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel theyve already invested so much in the damn machine that theyre compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1.) They get hot when you turn them on, and thats the only time you have their attention.

Dear Son,
Im writing this slow cause I know you cant read fast. We dont live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldnt have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I havent seen em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I havent found out whether its a girl or a boy, so I dont know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.