Old and New Jokes

A man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.What about my sex life? asked the patient. Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?Only with your wife, said the doctor. We dont want you to get too excited.

Hello, and welcome to England, Youll find England a warm sunny country, with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities.

Street Traders

Use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency. The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively, dont be afraid to offer them credit cards. They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes, such as: I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard.

Coming by car?

Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only parking lines in the streets. You may park here for as long as you like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park charges.

Toilets

Look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets; dont be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automatically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave.

Taxis

This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip: the driver will feel insulted. London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you dont, pretend to have left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship.
Ask them to take you to the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary.
Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black, you get extra points.
Tell them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War.
Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff.
If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their luggage into the one taxi; get your driver to take all the luggage up to your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest to him that the Royal Family should be abolished.

The Police

Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness, open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as: Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet? or Is that a truncheon youve got in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?. Dont call them Bobby though; try sweetie, ducky, or woodentop instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction. Dont forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via their personal radio; just ask.

Look out for the next edition of Tourist Tips for England, in which well feature The Albert Hall – best least-known tourist hotel in towm, Take Tea with the PM at Number Ten, and What is the REAL significance of Beefeaters at the Tower of London? Discrete gay quarters you may not know about.

Happily Addicted to the Web (Sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Doorbell rings, Im not listnin, From my mouth, drool is glistnin, Im happy–although My boss let me go– Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, Theres beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, Yo, man! Dont you know tonights the senior prom? With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!

I dont phone, dont send faxes, Dont go out, dont pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? Im happily addicted to the Web!

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.

3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house thats mobile and five cars that arent.

You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

You cant wait for the Saturday night square dance.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

En un bufete de abogados se contrata a una nueva secretaria, que resulta ser una chica de pueblo bastante inocente. Un día dos de los abogados están hablando de ella:

Con lo buena que esta María, me preocupa que se la pueda aprovechar algún buitre. Creo que deberíamos hablar con ella para explicarle las cosas buenas y malas de la vida en la ciudad.

Listo, tú le explicas las cosas buenas.

My wife brought this list home from the health centre last night.
 

arterythe study of painting
bacteriaback door of a cafeteria
bariumwhat doctors do when patients die
bowela letter like A, E, I, O, U
caesarean sectiona neighbourhood in Rome
cat scanlooking for kitty
cauterisehad eye contact with her
comaa punctuation mark
D & Cwhere Washington is
dilateto live longer
enemanot a friend
festerquicker
fibulaa small lie
impotentdistinguished, well known
labour paingetting hurt at work
medical staffa doctors cane
nitratescheaper than day rates
nodewas aware of
outpatienta person who has fainted
pap smeara fatherhood test
pelvisa cousin of Elvis
recovery rooma place to do upholstery
rectumnearly killed em
secretionhiding something
seizureRoman emperor
tableta small table
terminal illnesa) getting sick at the airport
b) getting sick at your VDU
tumormore than one
urineopposite of youre out
varicosenearby
veinconceited