Old and New Jokes

Knock.Knock.

WHOS There?



Dishwasher.



Dishwasher who?



Dishwasher way I talked before I got my new Teeth.

What do you cal an [ethnic] and his 500 girl friends?

A Sheppard.

Yo mommas so fat she waves a popsical stick around and cals it airconditioning

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting
next to him. He thought to himself, Wow, shes so gorgeous she must be a flight
attendant. But which airline does she work for?

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, Love
to fly and it shows?

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, Ooh
shit, she doesnt work for Delta. A moment later, another slogan popped into
his head. He leaned towards her again, Something special in the air?

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next
he tried the United slogan, I would really love to fly your friendly skies?

This time the woman turned on him, What the fuck do you want?

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said… Ahhh, Finnair!

This is a true incident that happened to my cousin, Steve.

Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend, LIVES
for golf. Normally plays very well. However, Steve tells of one game,
about half way through, when his score went right down the toilet. He
was playing pretty good until…

Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One weekend as
he played a round of golf on one of the more popular courses in town, he
caught up with two other golfers on the course. Steve asked if they would
mind if he played through and got ahead of them. The older man, seeing that
Steve was by himself, invited Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve
thought that that would be all right, introduced himself, Hello, Im Steve
Welker, and offered his hand.

The older gentleman shook it and said, Hello, Steve. Im John Evans and
this is my son, and he introduced the younger man with him.

They started to play the next hole. John said, Where are you from, Steve?
You new here in Idaho?

Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho from
Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.

John asked, What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?

Steve replied, Well, Im a private investigator. I investigate cases of
insurance fraud and court settlements. Steve went on to talk about some of
the things he had done, crawling through underbrush for hours with a camera
to take pictures of a handicapped man hauling wood, a prostitute that was
suing in an auto accident case, and such. (But those are another story.)

After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all the
talking, he said, What do you do, John?

Johns face got one of those I-thought-you-would-never-ask looks as he
said, Well, Steve, Im the Governor of Idaho!

And it is at that point that Steves score went down the toilet.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out
on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, You know youve been on a good date when you come
home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said, No, you know youve been on a good date when you
come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her
panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

She said, Now thats a good date!

Military JokeWhat does marine stand for? Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

Q. What do the TV shows Green Acres and Roseanne have in common?
A. A pig named Arnold.

Un niño le pregunta a su padre acerca de cuántos tipos de tetas hay. El padre, sorprendido, le responde:

Mira, hijo, las mujeres durante su vida tienen tres tipos de tetas: antes de los 20 las tienen como limones, duras y puntiagudas. Hasta los 40 las tienen como peras, bonitas pero un poco caídas. Y a partir de los 40 las tienen como las cebollas, que las ves y lloras.