Old and New Jokes

Yo mamas so fat that when she went swimming in the ocean the whales started singing we are family.

Q: Whats the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, Hi stranger, my name is Mike. Ill give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.

The man says, Thanks…Mikes Place?

Nope.

Mikes Tavern?

No,

Mikes Pub?

No, but heres a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joints name is Sallys Leggs!

Thats a good one. the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there.

He responds, Im just waiting for Sallys Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!

At the card shop:

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?

I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, Hey! Cut it out, all right!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, I said stop it!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, What is it with you, anyway?



The rear tiger replies, Well, I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.



The farmer turned to the husband and said, You know, youre the tenth car Ive helped out of the mud today.



The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,When do you have time to plough your land? At night?



No, the young farmer replied seriously, Night is when I put the water in the hole.

A your moma is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and shell



rack your balls.

Your momma is so ugly . . .

When she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

Bush approved of a new method of testing ready-to-eat meat for the potentially lethal Listeria bacteria found in factories. According to the legislation, ready-to-eat meat will have to pass standardized tests as part of Bushs leave no hot dog behind, campaign.

All talk and no action.