An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old mans cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldnt slip.
The old man snaps back: Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today.
Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, Thats a nice kitty. Drop pill into its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you wont be able to see what youre doing. Thats just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If youre a woman, have a good cry. If youre a man, have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Whos the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, Whos the boss here, anyway? Open cats mouth, take pill and … Oooops!
This isnt working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
Flatten cats front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! Its done.
Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
Take two aspirins and lie down.
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it!
Q: Whats a blondes favorite wine?
A: Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leaveem in the shade.
Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and its you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, Call a priest!
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender brings it to him and asks Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps.
The guy says Well, Ive suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!
Wow, that must have been hard! the bartender says What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?
The guy at the bar replies Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!
Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.
After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, hey, how is it going down there?
The cannibal at the bottom says this is great, Im having a ball.
The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, youre eating too damn fast.
Knock-knock
Whos there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo BEEP BEEP!
A hunter gets up early one morning and tells his wife hes going hunting and that she can either go hunting with him, let him fuck her in the ass, or give him a blow job.
He informs her that hes going out to get the dog, load up the hunting gear and will be back to get her decision.
About an hour later, he comes back into the house and asks his wife what she wants to do.
Well, she says, I aint going hunting with you, and you sure as hell aint fucking me in the ass, so I guess it will be a blow job.
Shes down there giving him the job when all of a sudden she starts coughing and spitting and says, Your dick tastes like shit!
He replies, Well, the dog didnt want to go hunting either.