Old and New Jokes

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, Who killed Jesus Christ?

The Jewish man answered without hesitation The Romans killed him. The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews. Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, Could I have some time to think about it? The chief said, OK, but get back to me tommorrow.

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked How did The interview go? He replied, Great, I got the job, and Im already investigating a murder!

Ground beef.

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he cannot change it, right?

One night a father sent his kid to bed.

Five minutes later the boy screamed,
Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!

No. You had your chance, said the father.

A minute later the boy screamed,
Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?

No. You had your chance.
The next time you ask, Im going to come up there and give you a good spanking! said the Dad.

Two minutes later the boy screamed,
Dad! When you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass or water?

– Yo mamas so hairy, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.

– Yo mamas so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.

– Yo mamas so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.

– Yo mamas so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.

– Yo mamas so hairy, when she spreads her legs ,the first thing that comes to my mind is Were going to Bush Gardens.

Great minds run in great circles.

An officer reads lectures to a group of soldiers.

When he says: Water boils at 90 degrees one of the soldiers dares to oppose: Sir, water boils at 100 degrees centigrade.

Are you sure?

I am sure, lieutenant.

Ill check it until the next lesson.

The next lesson the officer says: Soldiers, make a correction in your notes from the previous lesson: Water boils at 100 degrees. 90 degrees is right angle.

Q. What have working in Preston (a town in England) and a pubic hair on a toilet seat got in common?

A. Youre O.K for a while but then you get pissed off.

Why are womens feet so small?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does. The second woman giggled and confessed, I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft. The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, Say, what do you call your husband? She frowned and said, The postman. Why the postman?Because he always delivers late, and half the time its in the wrong box.