Old and New Jokes

A Passenger once asked the railway officer, Why do u keep the time-table for trains if they dont come on time?

The railway officer replied, How can we know that theyre late!!!

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking.

The first says, Im so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!

The second says, Well Im so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!

At this the third rat gets up and says, Later guys, Im off home to fuck the cat…

16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.

Un lanchero acapulqueño va caminando por la playa, en eso, ve venir a una rubia escultural y le piropea a su modo:

¡Mamacita, qué chichotas! ¡Qué nalgotas! ¡Qué piernotas!

La rubia, molesta, se vuelve y le lanza:

¡Prieto! ¡Peludo! ¡Apestoso!

El costeño, muy enojado, anuncia:

Mamacita, si es adivinanza, es el culo; pero si te refieres a mí… ¡Chinga tu madre!

Un matrimonio llevó a su hijo de vacaciones a una playa nudista. El padre salió a dar un paseo por la playa mientras el hijo jugaba en el agua.

De pronto, el niño llegó corriendo hasta donde estaba su mamá diciendo:

¡Mamá, acabo de ver mujeres con los senos mucho más grandes que los tuyos!

No te preocupes hijo, mientras más grandes los tengan más tontas son.

Así que el niño se regresó a jugar en el agua. Varios minutos después, el pequeño regresó corriendo:

¡Mamá, acabo de ver a papá platicando con la mujer más tonta que he visto, y mientras más hablaban, mi papá se volvía cada vez más tonto también!

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewarts wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing. Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.Whoa there Scotty! said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put
the lantern down … I think theres yet another wee one to come! Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems theres yet another one besides! cried the doctor.The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. Do you think its the light thats attractin them?

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight

around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to

place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark

saying, Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and

froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,

promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked

the light back on and began searching for more valuables.  Just as

he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as

a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the

source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his

flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.  Did you say that? He

hissed at the parrot.

Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, Im just trying to warn

you.

The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?

Moses, replied the bird. 

Moses? the burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name

a parrot Moses?

The bird promptly answered, Probably the same kind of people that

would name a Rotweiller Jesus!

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shitheads.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but its OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
5. I dont do drugs cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: Buy one dog, get one flea…
7. Money cant buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I dont approve of political jokes. Ive seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains.
18. No one ever says Its only a game! when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door youre on.
21. Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion…suddenly youre in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Moms wise words: Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been.

Judi was standing in front of an ice machine saying, You are a dumb looking button. You dont have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button. I foolishly asked her what she was doing. Judi pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which read, Depress button for ice.

Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

Believing that maybe it would help my relationship with my 12 year old son if we had a common hobby, I bought him a beer-making kit. My wife seemed to think that the situation called for female incredulity.

You got your son a BEER-making kit? she demands. Are you out of your mind?

Hey, you were the one who said we needed to do more things together, I point out.

So you picked drinking beer, she scoffs.

Of course not. Hell only make it. ILL be the one drinking it, I respond. I hold my hands up in a representation of harmonious balance in the universe.

She fixes me with a scorching look that I recognize from early in our marriage, when I tried to train her to bring me snacks during football games, but I will not be deterred. Its very scientific, I declare. Fermentation. Carbonation.

Intoxication?

My son is even less enthusiastic. It smells bad; you DRINK this stuff? he sniffs, stirring the batch of malt and hops.

Yes, but not until there is alcohol in it, I explain with fatherly wisdom.

Alcohol is a by-product of fermentation, he quotes, looking through the little handbook. He squints at me. Youll be drinking yeast pee.

Real men dont read directions, I advise.

When were finished, my home brew sits tightly sealed in a plastic keg. This is the pressure valve, I lecture my son. The yeast builds up carbon dioxide, which escapes out the valve; otherwise there would be an explosion that would level houses in a four-block area.

Im hoping this will excite him, but hes been reading the manual again. Carbon dioxide is another waste by-product, he intones.

Yes.

In other words, yeast farts.

For three days, the mixture sits implacably inside the plastic vessel, as exciting as a bucket of paint. Concerned, I sneak in a little more sugar to get the yeast motivated. Youre not supposed to do that, Dad, my son warns.

The next day, the yeast have suddenly sprung to life, bubbling and hissing as they busily produce waste products. Impatient, I pull on the little tap, pouring an ounce of muddy liquid into a glass and taking a sip.

Does it taste like beer? my son asks anxiously.

Maybe beer thats already been through somebody, I respond ruefully.

That night my son prods me awake. Dad, the beer is calling you.

My wife gives me a frown, as this is exactly the excuse I give her whenever I meet my buddies at the sports bar. What do you mean? I ask him.

He shrugs. You sort of need to come hear it. Its making noises.

My wife puts her hand on my arm. Could it be dangerous? she inquires anxiously.

I laugh. Of course not. How could beer be dangerous? Beer Is Our Friend. I follow my son out into the kitchen and, at his urging, put my ear to the plastic keg. Hes right: There is some sort of creaking noise emitting from the seams around the edge of the thing. Through the thick, dark plastic, I can see that the yeast has rioted, filling the vessel with foam.

Maybe you put in too much sugar, he worries. Should I start calling people in a four-block area?

Nonsense. More sugar just means a higher alcohol content. How could that be bad? But his question has drawn my attention to the filter, which should be allowing yeast farts to escape. Instead, it looks locked in place, a little button that should be bobbing up and down. I reach out a finger.

Dad… my son starts to say.

The moment I pry at the valve it fires straight up like a bullet, the little button gone in an instant. The entire contents of the keg follow half a second later, a thick spray of foam coating everything in the kitchen. I dont even have time to blink and it is over, except that a steady rain of gooey sludge comes down on my head from the ceiling.

Tilting my jaw, Im able to catch a few drops in my mouth. My wife bursts into the kitchen and stares at me, shocked.

Not bad, I tell her, licking my lips.

The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2001
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