Bob and John were out hunting one day and came across a goat with her head stuck in a fence. John dropped his drawers and bonged her real good and turned to Bob an says Want some? Well, ol Bob says Sure, and stuck his head in the fence next to the goat.
02
Dec
02
Dec
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:
WITCH BURNING
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on a skunk! What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome … uh, womyn.
WINDOW WAXING
These days youll only set off the light, noise, motion, and aroma sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights — if youre lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
TRICK-OR-TREATING
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
(via Swiggy)
02
Dec
Q: Whats the difference between a Galley Slave and a Graduate Student?
A: They occasionally fed Galley Slaves.
02
Dec
How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
Terrorists can be negotiated with.
02
Dec
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lords Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer. Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the mans generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!
02
Dec
There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
02
Dec
You might be a redneck if…
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
02
Dec
To brighten your day – from the NY Times News Service:
His obnoxious brother – Please Gogh
His brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh
His brother who worked in the convenience store – Stopn Gogh
His grandfather from Yugoslavia – U. Gogh
His brother who bleached his clothes white – Hue Gogh
His cousin from Illinois – Chica Gogh
His uncle, the magician – Wherediddy Gogh
His cousin from Mexico – Amee Gogh
His Mexicans cousins American half brother – Grin Gogh
His nephew who drove the stagecoach – Wellsfar Gogh
His constipated uncle – Cant Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt – Tang Gogh
02
Dec
$90,000/month in child support; $150,000/month for the childs diction lessons.
Restraining order keeping Keith 50 yards away from her bathroom medicine cabinet at all times.
Cash value from his Lloyds of London Lip Insurance policy.
Custody of Bill Wymans wife and the rest of the kids.
Satisfaction, Baby!
Has to admit publicly that Steven Tylers lips are fatter than his.
Jerry keeps: sports cars and palatial estate Mick keeps: walker, clapper and Matlock videos
Financial support for her destitute brother, Arsenio.
Jerry keeps the kids; Mick keeps Kato.
You cant always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get half his stuff.
Keith must be removed from the wine cellar and given a proper burial.
02
Dec
Neck-tarines !