Old and New Jokes

You Ought to be in Pictures: More than 50 people responded to an
invitation to a casting call for a Robert DeNiro movie being shot in
Boston. The only problem was, the invitations were sent by police. To
people with outstanding arrest warrants. One woman complained she
took a day off from work to meet DeNiro. She was led away in
handcuffs instead. Its so nice to scam people who are scammers,
one detective said. The casting call, sent to 3,800 fugitives,
offered more than $200 for two hours of work as extras, plus the
chance of becoming famous. (UPI)

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?

Yes, the golfer responded.

Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?

Yes, I did. How did you know? he asked.

Well, said the policeman very seriously, your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently
put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation
went something like this:

Judge: Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?
Man: Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, Ill explain what
happened.

Judge: Proceed.
Man: I got lost in the woods. I hadnt had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.

Judge: The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didnt intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.
But if you dont mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste
like?

Man: Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a
Spotted Owl.

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You dont need new shoes everyday.4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5. Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9. Valuation: Just because its not important to you.10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.16. Parking: Beginners Course.17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention – its fat.20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.23. PMS: Your problem – not his.

Statisticians do it 97.31 percent of the time.

Measure theorists do it almost everywhere.

Algebraists do it in groups.

Paddy n Mick join the army, and are put on street patrol in a city with a military curfew. They are given instructions to shoot anybody whos on the streets after 6 oclock. So one day, theyre out at twenty to 6, when Paddy spots a man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up the man in his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.
"What are you doin, Paddy? It aint 6 yet!"
"I know what Im doin. I know where he lives and he wouldnt have made it!"

It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Failed merger: Yahooand Netscape. Net n Yahoo didnt work out because they would have to relocate theheadquarters located in Tel Aviv. Proposed merger: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild. Rumored merger: Wurlitzer with Xerox. They are going to market reproductive organs. Possible merger: Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler — to be called…Poly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merger: mmmGood John Deere andAbitibi-Price: Deere Abi Zippo Manufacturing, Audi,Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da Swissair andCheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese Honeywell, Imasco and HomeOil: Honey, Im Home Luvs Diapers and HertzRent-a-Car: Luv Herts Upjohn and Chuckie CheesePizza: UpChuck White Castle Burgers andGlad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The lights out?

A neutron walks into a bar. Id like a beer he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

How much will that be? asks the neutron.

For you? replies the bartender, no charge

Question: What stands behind every successful, married man?

Answer: An amazed Mother-in-Law!