Old and New Jokes

A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrists couch, telling him how frustrated she was. I tried to be an actress and failed, she complained. I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.

The shrink thought for a moment and said… Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why dont you try nursing?

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says… Well go ahead, Ill give it a try!

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, Doctor, I havent had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husbands sex drive.

The doctor smiled and said, Have you tried to give him Viagra?

The lady frowned. Doctor, I cant even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache, she claimed.

Well, the doctor continued, let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He wont notice a thing.

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctors office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

How did it go? the doctor asked.

Terribly, doctor, terribly.

Did it not work?

Yes, the old lady said, It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that Id had in 25 years.

Then what is the problem, maam?

Well, she said. I cant ever show my face in McDonalds again.

Cierta vez un tipo desea ir a que le corten el cabello así que ingresa a una peluquería y encuentra al peluquero ocupado, por lo que decide esperar un momento. Al poco rato se da cuenta de que un perro se quedaba mirando fijamente al otro señor que le estaban haciendo el corte; entonces el tipo dice:

Vaya, señor peluquero, su perro sí que se ha quedado fascinado con el tipo de corte que le está haciendo a su cliente.

A lo que el peluquero le responde:

No amigo, no es eso, sino que de vez en cuando el perro recibe un pedazo de oreja.

An old man went to the doctor. He said, Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to.. The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, Can I ask you how old you are, sir?. Im 87., said the old man. 87!, exclaimed the doctor, How old is your wife?. Shes 92., was the reply. The doctor was astonished by this, and said, So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you dont get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?. That is correct. said the old man, What can you do to help me?. Well, said the doctor, when did you first notice this problem?.

The old man looked thoughtful, I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning.

Yo Mama is so fat, when she sits on a quarter she squeezes a booger out of George Washingtons nose.

Yo mammas so fat, she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?" Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie. The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "Im a Yankees fan and I hate the Mets."The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosies parents were idiots, what would that make her?" Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. Owch! the chinese man says. What was that for? That was for Pearl Harbor, the Jewish man says. But Im Chinese! Chinese, Japanese, whats the difference? And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. Ouch! the Jewish man says. What was that for? That was for the Titanic, the chinese man says. But that was an iceberg! Ice berg, Goldberg, whats the difference?

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.

She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin a bad time. Im agonna go over there and help.

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, Kin ya swaller?

Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, Kin ya breathe?

Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, Ya know, its sure amazin how that hind-lick maneuver always works.

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, Brrr!.

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, Listen, if you ever do that again Ill cut yer balls off!

The gremlin says, Aint got none! Well, Ill cut off yer prick! Aint got one of them, neither. says the gremlin.

Well, how do ya pee?

The gremlin smiled and said, Brrr!

A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together — hed been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:

Should he tell his partner?