Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Indiana and a blonde?

A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.

However, she remembers what her boss told her. Dont reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says No problem!! I buy. I buy.

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build, I build.

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that shed better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, hes muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, I cut. I cut.

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over but partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.

Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man hed never seen in uniform.

Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.

Hello, Jack. No smile.

Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids.

Yeah, I guess. Bob seemed uncertain.

Good. Ive seen some long days at the office lately. Im afraid I bent the rules a bit-just this once.

Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?

I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.

Ouch! This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. Whatd you clock me at?

Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?

Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65.

The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket. Please, Jack, in the car.

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dash board. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadnt he asked for a drivers license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

Thanks. Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it, a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one and Im going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times Ive tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have left.

… Bob

Jack turned around in time to see Bobs car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, hetoo, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care.

This is an important message, please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker.

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the worlds going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. Or is it scary?

Funny how someone can say I believe in God but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also believes in God). Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace. FUNNY, ISNT IT?

Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week. Are you laughing?

Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because youre not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

As someone once observed, Southerners will be polite until they are angry
enough to kill you.

– John Shelton Reed

A bus stops to let on an attractive lady who, without saying a word, steps aboard, puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers at the driver.

The driver responds by putting his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand while wiggling his eight fingers. At this, the woman looks confused and in silence grabs her boobs.

The driver, growing impatient, clutches his balls, Michael Jackson-style. The woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus.

A regular passenger at the front of the bus says to the driver, Bob, Ive been riding your bus for quite a few years now and Ive never seen anything as vulgar as this! Im going to have to start taking a different route.

Youve got it wrong, Bob says. That woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th Street and I said, No, 10th Street. Then she asked if it went to the Dairy Mart. I told her it went to the ball park. Finally she said, Shit, Im on the wrong bus, and left.

ONe day, Al Gore, George W and Raplph Nader were eating lunch at a resturatunt.

They paid the check, then went to the bathroom.



On their way in, an attendant told them that the mirror in the bathroom would hold you until you said something if you looked at it, and if you told the truth you would get a billion dollars. But if you lied, youd be trapped in the mirror forever.



Ralph finished first, and looked at the mirror. Trapped, he said i think i am the smartest one in this bathroom and he got a billion dollars. Then Al Gore looked at the mirror and said, i think i have the biggest ego in this bathroom and he got a billion dollars. Then George looked at the mirror and siad, i think- and FWOOSH! he was trapped in the mirror.

I heard this joke from a friend two days ago. It is an ethnic joke,
but I am Sefardim myself and we dont take ourselves all that
seriously.

Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in
the window ARABS NOT WELCOME; a couple of days later, a person of
obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich – so the
cashier quickly runs into Moshes office asking what to do. Moshe
decides that he really doesnt want a scandal, so he orders OK, give
him the sandwich, but charge him double – that should teach him.
No sooner said than done.

But the next day the same Arab is back again – this time for a full
lunch; Moshe decides Charge him triple, hell get the lesson this
time! The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the
food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the
same evening. Moshe decides OK, let him have the reservation, but if
his friend do come, charge them tenfold! The Arabs appear in the
evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip
generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window:
JEWS NOT WELCOME.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky!