22
Dec

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why its better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks were gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WERE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We dont have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. Well never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

22
Dec

Double duty

The sheriff of a small town was also the towns veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, Is your husband there?

Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet? the wife asked.

Both! was the reply. We cant get our dogs mouth open, and theres a burglar in it.

22
Dec

No Chance

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. Your husband is very sick, the doctor said. Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.

First, fix him three healthy meals a day.

Next, give him a stress-free environment and dont complain about anything.

Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husbands room.

What did the doctor say? he asked.

Im sorry, mdear, she said, but he said youre not going to make it.

22
Dec

Touchy Feely Cracky

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?""Well," said the guy, "Im a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cant help practicing my art!""Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

21
Dec

My wife is beating me

David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!

21
Dec

Unfamiliar with a term

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?

The Saudi says, Whats a shortage?

The Russian says, Whats meat?

The North Korean says, Whats an opinion?

The New Yorker, says, Excuse me?? Whats excuse me?

21
Dec

the hanting kid

Once there was a kid who loves to kill people. He found Ahouse full of people. He said oh this is a good place to kill these people. Little did he know these people were really stupid. So that night he sneak in the house. hes was in the daughters room she was sleeping. When he went over there she woke up and said stop you are scaring me. Then the kid got hes knife and kill her. After that he went in the family room and saw the rest of the family. When they saw him they all said stop you are scaring me. Then the child got his knike and kill them all. Told you they were stipid Haha

21
Dec

Estaban todos los Apstoles reunidos

Estaban todos los Apóstoles reunidos en el cielo, porque el jefe los había mandado llamar. Llega él y les dice:

La Tierra está de lo peor, todo el mundo se droga. Todos serán enviados a la tierra y me van a traer muestras de todas las drogas posibles para hacer un estudio.

Al rato tocan las puertas del cielo y dice San Pedro:

¿Quién es?

Soy Pablo y traigo cocaína de México.

Al rato vuelven a tocar.

¿Quién es?

José y traigo marihuana de Colombia.

Más tarde.

¿Quién es?

Lucas y traigo crack de USA.

Entonces vuelven a tocar.

¿Quién es?

Judas.

¿Qué traes?

¡A la DEA (Agencia Antidrogas) cabrones, todos contra la pared!

21
Dec

Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf., taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…
Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

21
Dec

You might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if…
Youre an expert on worm beds.