Old and New Jokes

A judaic rabbi met a christian father and asked him how came theirs church is so big and so rich. The father told the rabbi about the confession and invited him to come and see how it is going.

On sunday the rabbi steps into church to set up the confession cabin near the father.

A young woman cames into the cabin saying Forgive me father for I have sinned – Ive ben with a man who is not my husband

You made a wrong thing my child said the father.

Put 10 in the way out pray every night and you will be forgiven

The rabbi set their for two more confession and ask the father permission to try to take his place.

A young lady came into the cabin and sais Forgive me father for I have sinned – Iv been with a man who is not my father.

You made a wrong thing my child said the rabbi put 100 in the way out and you can do it ten more times

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, You could blow it in … may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

You might be a redneck if…
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…

OH, DONT FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. ITS NO BIG DEAL.

Translated:* I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.

Translated:* And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.

Translated:* It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends : If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Entran tres borrachos en un bar, dos totalmente bebidos sosteniendo a otro, inconsciente, aparentemente en coma alcohólico. Dejan al inconsciente en el suelo, y uno se va a vomitar a un costado y otro se tira en una mesa. Se acerca el mozo y les dice:

¿Qué quieren que les sirva?

Un vino para mí y otro para el que está vomitando, dice uno.

¿Y el del suelo?, pregunta el mozo, irónicamente.

No, ese tiene que manejar.

Una viuda rica y solitaria decidió que necesitaba otro hombre en su vida y puso un anuncio que decía:

VIUDA MILLONARIA BUSCA UN HOMBRE PARA COMPARTIR SU VIDA Y FORTUNA, CON LAS SIGUIENTES CARACTERISTICAS:

1. QUE NO ME GOLPEE

2. QUE NO SA VAYA NUNCA DE MI LADO

3. QUE SEA EXTRAORDINARIO EN LA CAMA

Por varios meses, su teléfono sonó incansablemente, el timbre de la puerta sonaba sin cesar, recibió toneladas de cartas, pero ninguno de los hombres parecía cumplir sus requisitos.

Un día el timbre sonó nuevamente. La mujer abrió la puerta para encontrar un hombre sin brazos ni piernas. Perpleja, le preguntó, ¿Quién es usted y qué desea?

Hola. Su búsqueda ha terminado. Yo soy el hombre de sus sueños. No tengo brazos, así que no puedo golpearla, y no tengo piernas, así que no puedo alejarme de su lado.

Muy bien, pero ¿qué le hace pensar que sea tan extraordinario en la cama?

¿Cómo cree que hice sonar el timbre?

A free agent is anything but.

Jack goes to the doctor and says Doc Im having trouble getting my

penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well the

problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis

are damaged. Theres really nothing I can do for you except if

youre willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment? Well, the doctor

explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a

baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going

through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for

it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to

use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his

girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the

city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs

that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately

sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a

dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,

That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied, Well, I guess so, but Im not sure I can fit another

dinner roll up my ass!