A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says hmmm – thats weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn.
Man to God: God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
God to Man: So you would love her.
But God, Man says, why did you make her so dumb?
God replies: So she would love you.
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!
Arizona: But Its A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Aint Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Dont Ski, Dont Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Dont Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: Were Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Were Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least Were Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… Its Whats For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: Were Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?
Washington: Help! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadnt thought about normal tricks.
Well, they said, lets try this out.
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, Heel!
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the mans forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
THE Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You dont have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
6. Person youre with doesnt fantasize youre someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it wont last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks youre kinky.
3. Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning. …
and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex ….
1. IF YOU DONT GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
If shes sitting, standing, sleeping, moving, eating, dying, or dead, she is a slut.
As was the custom in the small town, the new student at the Yeshiva was invited to the richest merchants home for Friday night dinner. The new student was tall and handsome, the merchant had a pretty daughter, so as the Friday nights passed by, the glances between the young people got bolderand more passionate. When their love could no longer be ignored, the pappa invited the young student to his study for an after dinner liquor and conversation.
The pappa asked What are your intentions towards my daugter?
The student replied, Sir, I love your daughter and wish to marry her!
The pappa asked How do you intend to keep her in the style to which she is accustomed?
The student replied Sir, I will study very hard and the good Lord will provide
The pappa then asked again, But what will you do when the children arrive?
The student replied Sir, I will study even harder and the good Lord will surely provide.
So after the conversation ended, the mamma cornered the pappa and asked Nu, so how did it go?
The pappa answered Well, there is good news and bad news
So tell me said the mamma.
Well said the pappa The bad news is that he hasnt a penny to his name
So what is the good news? asked the mamma.
The pappa replied The good news is that he thinks that I am the good Lord!
If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldnt have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldnt work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isnt IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
Babys First Ornament would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the 70s, didnt we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas…
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
(Thanks to Daryl Hillen)
Three Chinese women go to see Buddha. The first one says,
Buddha, I want a man with three dragons on his chest. The second woman says, Buddha, I want a man with two dragons on his chest. The third woman says. Buddha I want a man with one dragging on the ground.