Old and New Jokes

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve
refreshments.

Yo mama so fat when she went to the beach wearing a black swimsuit, a kid pointed and yelled, Theres Willy!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!

I see millions of stars, Watson said. What does that tell you? Holmes asked.

Watson replied. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?

Watson, you idiot, he said. Someone has stolen our tent!

Teach a man to light a fire and he will be warm forever. But throw him into the fire and he will never again complain about being cold.

Q: What is the brunettes mating call?
A: Has the blonde left yet?

Last week it was Simon Cowells birthday, so I got him a toy model of a cartoon sailor man. I heard he was looking for a new Popeye Doll.

What is the difference between Jesus and an Oil Painting?

-It only takes one nail to hang an oil painting

A guy was playing golf the day before his wedding, and unfortunately a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him, Well, what do you think, doc? The doctor replied, Were going to have to put in a support for about a week. He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string. The mans face looked disappointed, he told the doctor But tomorrow night is my honeymoon! The doctor replied, Youre going to have to bear with it. The next night after a lovely wedding, the man and his new wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts and says, No one has ever seen these before. The man pulls out his wang and says, Well mines still in the crate!

Why dont women go skiing?

Theres no snow between the kitchen and the bathroom.