Old and New Jokes

…A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.



I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest, said the eldest daughter.



He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.



I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest, said the second daughter.



He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.



I would like to marry a man with one draggin on the ground, said the youngest daughter.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

Look 1: Starting with look,
Cow read all the way
How down to the last
Cow cow.
Many 2: Starting with the
Cow last cow at the
Times bottom, read up.
Cow 3: Now, starting with
I look, read down,
Cow skipping every other
Got word.
Cow
This
Cow
Idiot
Cow
To
Cow
Say
Cow
Cow

Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?

They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was!

Annoyed wife to husband: Cant you just say weve been married 24 years instead of almost a quarter of a century?

Mrs. JimJr sat down to dinner the other nite with her hair in curlers. I asked why and she said she had just set her hair. Fortunately, I was able to duck a spoonful of mashed potatoes headed my way after I asked, What time does it go off?

Wife to husband: I dont mind your little half-truths so much as I do the fact that you always tell me the wrong half.

Irate husband calling upstairs to wife: How soon do you think you will be ready? Can you at least give me a specific day?

Wife to husband, staring at his beer belly: Its amazing when you consider it takes an Oak tree 200 years to attain that girth.

A farmer was sitting on the bottom step of his porch eating a sandwich when a hen zoomed by with a rooster in hot pursuit.

Suddenly, the rooster slammed on the brakes, slid to a halt and began pecking at the crumbs from the sandwich.

Darn, muttered the farmer, hope I never get THAT hungry!

They have one-track minds.

Q: Why dont blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?

A: Cause their balls show!

A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.

The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.

He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.

The drunk says You have to help me, I cant find my car.

The bartender asks Where did you last see it?

The drunk replies It was right here on the end of my key.

The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him come on back in, Ill turn on the lights and call you a cab.

When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.

He told the man Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out!!

The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!

You might be a redneck if…

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words Trucking Institute.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Youve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.