How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
Terrorists can be negotiated with.
02
Dec
02
Dec
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lords Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer. Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the mans generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!
02
Dec
There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
02
Dec
You might be a redneck if…
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
02
Dec
To brighten your day – from the NY Times News Service:
His obnoxious brother – Please Gogh
His brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh
His brother who worked in the convenience store – Stopn Gogh
His grandfather from Yugoslavia – U. Gogh
His brother who bleached his clothes white – Hue Gogh
His cousin from Illinois – Chica Gogh
His uncle, the magician – Wherediddy Gogh
His cousin from Mexico – Amee Gogh
His Mexicans cousins American half brother – Grin Gogh
His nephew who drove the stagecoach – Wellsfar Gogh
His constipated uncle – Cant Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt – Tang Gogh
02
Dec
$90,000/month in child support; $150,000/month for the childs diction lessons.
Restraining order keeping Keith 50 yards away from her bathroom medicine cabinet at all times.
Cash value from his Lloyds of London Lip Insurance policy.
Custody of Bill Wymans wife and the rest of the kids.
Satisfaction, Baby!
Has to admit publicly that Steven Tylers lips are fatter than his.
Jerry keeps: sports cars and palatial estate Mick keeps: walker, clapper and Matlock videos
Financial support for her destitute brother, Arsenio.
Jerry keeps the kids; Mick keeps Kato.
You cant always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get half his stuff.
Keith must be removed from the wine cellar and given a proper burial.
02
Dec
Neck-tarines !
01
Dec
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
01
Dec
Did you hear about the smart blonde? You wont either.
01
Dec
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, You know mate, back home, we shear those!
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, Im not bloody SHEARING this with no one!