During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, Hey, howd you do that?
I could tell you, madam, the magician answered, But then Id have to kill you.
After a short pause, she yelled back, Ok, then… Just tell my husband!
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpses rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing, On the road again . . . Just cant wait to get on the road again . . . The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. Look at this. This is really something! the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. On the road again . . . Just cant wait to get on the road again . . . So what?, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the students discovery. But isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen? asked the student. Are you kidding? replied the Examiner, Any butt hole can sing country music.
In the mid 80s a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain, for a weeks shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.) The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughters coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers.
They should arrive at 8 p.m. – One last point: no Jews – we dont like Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single, BLACK officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out There must be some mistake.
Madam, said the first officer, Captain Cohen doesnt make mistakes.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Juliet!
Juliet who!
Juliet me in or not!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lionel!
Lionel who?
Lionel bite you if you put your head in its mouth!
Papá, tengo dos noticias que darte: una buena y otra mala, ¿cuál quieres saber primero?
La buena, por supuesto.
¡La buena noticia es que dejé las drogas!
¡Me alegra mucho, hijo! ¿Y cuál es la mala?
Que no se dónde las dejé…
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. 9.30 okay?
George said, Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? one of the foursome asked.
George said, Sure if I’m ten minutes late…
Another golfer jumped in. Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.
George said, Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.
What if she’s lying on her back?
George said, That’s when I’m ten minutes late!
yo mama is so stupid she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, Looks like a duck, flies like a duck…its probably a duck, and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck. He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, Go see if that was a duck.
A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind. She tries to let go a squeaker, but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting fart.The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman tried to think of something to say to the man next to her. Um…do you have a transfer ticket? she asks finally.No, I dont, he replies, but when we pass the next tree, Ill try to grab you a handful of leaves.