Old and New Jokes

Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesnt seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-

36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: Im 63 and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: Im gulping, Im beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now Im unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: Im moaning softly.

Wellhung: Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: Im throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. Im rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. Im sorry. Sweetheart: Thats OK, it wasnt really too expensive.

Wellhung: Ill pay for it. Sweetheart: Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. Im reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: Im arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know, breasts. Theyre neat! Sweetheart: Im running my fingers through your hair. Now Im nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im so sorry; Really. Sweetheart: Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: Im screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: Im pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute. Sweetheart: Whats the matter?

Wellhung: Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Im choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: Im having a coughing fit. Im turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly. Im fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: Im washing the cup now. Sweetheart: Im on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: Im drying the cup. Now Im putting it back in the cabinet. And now Im walking back to the bedroom. Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: Im tuggin off your pants. Im moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why dont you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I cant see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: Im waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush handle, but I cant find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: Whats the matter now?

Wellhung: Ive realized that Ive peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. Im walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now Im going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…womans thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, Im having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: Im moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I cant stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: Im flaccid. Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im limp. I cant sustain an erection. Sweetheart: Im standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. Im going to get my glasses and see whats wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting on my underwear. Now Im putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night table. Im feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: Im buttoning my blouse. Now Im putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! Im pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. Im logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart:{logged off}

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says okay!

Why did the blonde get fired from her job working at an M&M factory?

She kept throwing out all of the Ws!

BLONDE: Excuse me sir, what time is it?

MAN: Its 3:15.



BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) You know, its the weirdest thing, Ive been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.

Updated Version for the 90s woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where youd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give him an opportunity to change your mood.



2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the Clinique counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Dont forget to use his credit card!)



3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.



4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.



5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.



6. Some DONTS: Dont greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Dont complain if hes late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.



7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if hes cold. This will really show you care.



8. Listen to him: But dont ever let him get the last word.



9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping(use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase Girls Night Out!



10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously hes wrong, it revolves around you.

One day this man named John was in a pet store and as he was looking he saw a parrot sitting on a perch, but the parrot did not have any legs, so John asked the bird how do you hold yourself up on the perch, and the bird said are you sure you want to knpw, and the man shook his head yes. And the bird said I just take my meat and I wrap it around the perch. So they started to talk more and more, and the bird said why dont you buy me? And John looked at the price tag it said $200 the man said that is too much but John went to the salesclerk and asked if he could get him cheaper and the sales clerk said yes. So the man bought the bird and took him home, and everything was going great. THe bird was very intelligent and funny, and everday John and the bird would talk about their days, well one day John came home and aske dthe bird how his day was, and the bird said well this morning when the mailman came him and your wife started to tounge kiss, and then he started grabing your wifes breast and ass, and John said what else happened and the bird said damned if I know I got hard and fell off my perch!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash,
Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
Thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
The you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Twig!
Twig who?
Twig or tweat!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows

95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go. Well, whats the difference between the two? Bill asks.

God says, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision. Fine, but where should I go first? Ill leave that up to you. Okay, then, says Bill. Let me try Hell first.

So Bill goes to Hell. Its a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. This is great! he tells God. If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

Fine, says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. Its nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. Hmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he tells God. Fine, replies God. As you desire.

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

Hows everything going? he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water? Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, Hey DeBakey …. Is dat you ? Come over here a minute.

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris …Try doing your work with the engine running.