Old and New Jokes

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the towns high birth rate.

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?

The waiter thought a moment, then said, I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, its too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. Who are they? he asked.

Ah, said Yeltsin, those are our economists!

But I thought this parade was military… said Clinton, confused.

Mr. Clinton, said Gorbachev, have you SEEN the damage those men can do?

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 – One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvanias bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

Excuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.

What was that all about?

Nothing, said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted conductors coming!, and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.



On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts Conductors coming. All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying Tickets, please. The lawyers then slip their only ticket under the door, and the Engineer then picks up the ticket and joins his friends, waiting for the real conductor.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come
again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Den I come one-a more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this
country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!.

Hey, coola-downa lady, said the man. Imma justa teachin my fren
howa to spella Mississippi.

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit,
Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the
years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

Thats a great honor, George said. Why would you turn it down?

Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin, he said.
And I dont wish to bother studying Latin just for that.

So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldnt know the difference.

Brilliant, Hy complimented me, but what should I say?

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of
Passover? … Why is this night different from all other nights? Can
you say that in Hebrew?

Of course, he said. Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport,
I shall become a knight.

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees
went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before
Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other,
and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.

The queen turned to her husband and said, Why is this knight different
from all other knights?

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people
waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom
something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to
upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the
back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest
to be found.

Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and
the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to
go to the bathroom and the line is so long.

Its very simple, said the Priest.There on the wall is a chart …
column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the
sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.

The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the
holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while
the priest hurried away to the bathroom.

The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me
Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last
confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a
blow job. Thats it, Father.

The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find
blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to
look for a Priest but there was still not a Priest to be found.

Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and
stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?

Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?
2. If you get one of those pushy people who wont shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that youll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, How are you today? say, Why do you want to know? Or you can say, Im so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…. When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says hes Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Julie and Im with Dodger & Peck Services…. You: Hang on a second. (few seconds pause) Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, Julie!! Is this really you? I cant believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN? Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, No, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as theyre trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, I dont have any friends…would you be my friend?
9. If they clean rugs: Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional Uh-huh, really, or, Thats fascinating. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldnt give your credit card number to someone whos a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

    Example:

    Telemarketer: This is Bill from Widget & Associates.

    You: Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?

    Telemarketer: Uh, Dallas, Texas.

    You: Great, they have a group there too? Hows business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, Well, I dont really want to get a call at home, say, Ya! Now you know how I feel. (smiling, of course…)

Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Roll Aids

Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

Most Of All, Monetary Aid To Their Kids!