Old and New Jokes

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

As someone once observed, Southerners will be polite until they are angry
enough to kill you.

– John Shelton Reed

A bus stops to let on an attractive lady who, without saying a word, steps aboard, puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers at the driver.

The driver responds by putting his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand while wiggling his eight fingers. At this, the woman looks confused and in silence grabs her boobs.

The driver, growing impatient, clutches his balls, Michael Jackson-style. The woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus.

A regular passenger at the front of the bus says to the driver, Bob, Ive been riding your bus for quite a few years now and Ive never seen anything as vulgar as this! Im going to have to start taking a different route.

Youve got it wrong, Bob says. That woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th Street and I said, No, 10th Street. Then she asked if it went to the Dairy Mart. I told her it went to the ball park. Finally she said, Shit, Im on the wrong bus, and left.

ONe day, Al Gore, George W and Raplph Nader were eating lunch at a resturatunt.

They paid the check, then went to the bathroom.



On their way in, an attendant told them that the mirror in the bathroom would hold you until you said something if you looked at it, and if you told the truth you would get a billion dollars. But if you lied, youd be trapped in the mirror forever.



Ralph finished first, and looked at the mirror. Trapped, he said i think i am the smartest one in this bathroom and he got a billion dollars. Then Al Gore looked at the mirror and said, i think i have the biggest ego in this bathroom and he got a billion dollars. Then George looked at the mirror and siad, i think- and FWOOSH! he was trapped in the mirror.

I heard this joke from a friend two days ago. It is an ethnic joke,
but I am Sefardim myself and we dont take ourselves all that
seriously.

Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in
the window ARABS NOT WELCOME; a couple of days later, a person of
obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich – so the
cashier quickly runs into Moshes office asking what to do. Moshe
decides that he really doesnt want a scandal, so he orders OK, give
him the sandwich, but charge him double – that should teach him.
No sooner said than done.

But the next day the same Arab is back again – this time for a full
lunch; Moshe decides Charge him triple, hell get the lesson this
time! The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the
food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the
same evening. Moshe decides OK, let him have the reservation, but if
his friend do come, charge them tenfold! The Arabs appear in the
evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip
generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window:
JEWS NOT WELCOME.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky!

A judaic rabbi met a christian father and asked him how came theirs church is so big and so rich. The father told the rabbi about the confession and invited him to come and see how it is going.

On sunday the rabbi steps into church to set up the confession cabin near the father.

A young woman cames into the cabin saying Forgive me father for I have sinned – Ive ben with a man who is not my husband

You made a wrong thing my child said the father.

Put 10 in the way out pray every night and you will be forgiven

The rabbi set their for two more confession and ask the father permission to try to take his place.

A young lady came into the cabin and sais Forgive me father for I have sinned – Iv been with a man who is not my father.

You made a wrong thing my child said the rabbi put 100 in the way out and you can do it ten more times

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, You could blow it in … may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

You might be a redneck if…
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.