08
Nov

God is missing

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.

The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, Where is God ?

Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, Where is God ?

Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billys
face and screamed, WHERE IS GOD ?

Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.

His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
What happened to you ?

Billy yelled, Were in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and
they think WE did it.

08
Nov

Sale la pareja de recin

Sale la pareja de recién casados del salón de celebraciones y al ir a montar al coche todos empiezan a gritar:

¡Arriba la novia! ¡Arriba el novio!

Un invitado que no entendía que se trataba de gritos de júbilo, replicó:

¡Dejad a ellos que lo hagan como mejor les plazca!

08
Nov

La rastra es un tipo

La rastra es un tipo de cinturón que usan los argentinos y está de una piel tan suave como culo de princesa; está adornada con todo lo que sea valioso: medallas, monedas antiguas y de oro, y así por el estilo. Por lo que las rastras son muy caras; entre más vieja sea la rastra más valiosa y entre más adornos tenga más cara.

Pues había un tipo que tenía una rastra muy fregona y ahí iba montado en su caballo:

Tucutu tucutu tucutu…

Iba por las Pampas y como ya estaba cayendo el sol se dijo:

Aquí voy a hacer un alto.

Y entonces hizo un alto, paró a su caballo, se acostó y se durmió. Al día siguiente, cuando despertó, la rastra ya no estaba… Se levantó rápido, cogió su caballo y se fue veloz al próximo pueblo y llegó directo a la cantina; afuera dejó su caballo, se metió y ¡zaz!, vio a un gaucho hijo de su Pink Floyd con la rastra de él puesta.

Furioso se acercó al ladrón; se paró junto a él y le dijo:

Linda rastra.

Oh sí, linda, ¿eh? Linda de verdad.

Oiga ¿y debe de ser cara?

Carísima, mi linda rastra.

Oiga ¿y las monedas son auténticas?

Y bueno, claro que son auténticas.

Como la puta que lo parió, que rastra, linda… Oiga ¿y usted la compró?

Oh, y bueno, yo no tengo dinero para comprar una cosa de éstas.

Pues ¿y entonces?

Pues se la robé a un pendejo que estaba dormido en el camino… ¡y todavía me lo cogí al puto!

Y dice el otro:

Linda rastra… Linda…

08
Nov

Early shopping trip.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, What are you charged with?



Doing my Christmas shopping early sir, replied the defendant.



Well thats not an crime, said the judge! How early were you doing this shopping?



Before the store opened, answered the prisoner.

08
Nov

A man is trying to

A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him:
God, how long is a million years to you?

God answered: A million years is like a minute.

Then the man asked: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
And God replied: A million dollars is like a penny.

Finally the man asked: God, could you give me a penny?
And God says: In a minute.

08
Nov

Cromwell and Rasputin

Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King

The following essay was an actual submission by a student, who was given the assignment: Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.

Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are collaborative
efforts, this one is the work of the exceptionally fruitful pen
of a single student. Read it and enjoy!

The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationalities
and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was an Autocrat who
ruled by himself. He was free to appoint and dismiss ministers
as he pleased. Then theirs Oliver Cromwell, a man who
stood for the commission of the unthinkable act, the execution
of the king, should have pushed the Commonwealth and
its leaders into further international isolation. These
were some of the issues that Oliver Cromwell drived for in
the English Revolution. Cromwell was dominant political
figure from 1649 to 1658. He had lead the attack on the
king and had many followers and support. These twoffigures,
Rasputin and Oliver Cromwell, ha had great emphasis on the
outcome of their revolutions (Russian and English). Lets
look at some similarities and differences on how they ruled
their reign of power.

Cromwell was a careful figure who ruled intil his death
in 1658. He lead an organization of parliament forces of
centralized army called the new model army. Cromwell was an
independent so he was frightened of parliament changing
religion. Cromwell had faith in his reign, he believed that
Parliament couldnt win the civil war if they didnt try
someting different.

Rasputin was also a careful and powerful leader. When
Nicholas went to the front to take personal command of the
army, his wife Alexandra took over government affairs and
relied on Rasputin almost completely. So Rasputin also controlled
an army and became a successful leader. Although he
was killed by the people, it was because of the sake of the
people in Russia. They felt that he was discrediting Nicholas
II. Rasputin was such a key role in ruling the army,
Alexandra went into shock because of the death of Rasputin.

Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599. He immediately took
interest in public affairs. After he had become an undergraduate
at Cambridge, his father fied which brought him
back home to take care of his mother and the family. He
also took over his fathers business which was the management
of land. Later he had experienced a change of religion to
the Puritan side. He was respected so much by his neighbours
from his management of land, that they choose him to
represent Huntington in the Parliament which described
itself by the Petition of Right. Cromwell, however, was
known to have interest in religion before politics. He had
never really been able to hankle constitutional questions,
and was opposite as a whole to them.

Rasputin, however, was also a very religious man. He
went to early mass at six oclock in the morning at Afonskoe
Podvorie. He was so admirred, that on the way back from
mass there would be a crowd of followers behind him, who
accompanied him into the dining room for breakfast. Among
these guests were petitioners who arrived around eight
oclock. Rasputin was always called upon by Tsarskoe Selo
at ten oclock, even thought he was usually sleeping by this
time. A secret came out that Rasputin was prepared to carry
out various transactions, arrange reals of military services,
get sentences of imprisonment released, or dispose of
the granting of concessions. While known that Rasputin was
open for bribes, also took into consideration the help of
petitioners who came to him with nothing.

These two leaders, and their different personalities
make them both uneque. These two leaders had great effect
on the outcome of their revolutions. Even though their
techneques were not exactly alike they had similarities in
their personal behavior and their beliefs. These two figures
reigned at two different times and are also two different people
in most respects.

08
Nov

Shooting an Elephant

How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

08
Nov

Beauty

Beauty is only skin deep but ugliness goes to the bone.

08
Nov

Can I have the car?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, Ill make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and well talk about it.

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the fathers study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youve studied your bible diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut!

The young man waited a moment and replied, You know Dad, Ive been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair …

To which his father replied … Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!

08
Nov

Blonde has lunch in a nice restaurant

This two ladies,one with red hair and the other one blond, went to a nice restaurant to have lunch.

The waiter asks the blonde if she would like something to drink and she ordered a pepsi. And the lady with the red hair, oredered a double bols and coke.

After the waiter have left, the blond says that she wasnt aware that she could have order anything like that.

When the waiter returned with the orders, she asked him to cancel the pepsi, and bring something else instead. Sure the waiter replied, what will it be then ?

Two dicks and a pepsi please!