Old and New Jokes

The last words of a chemist:

1. And now the tasting test.

2. May that become hot?

3. And now a little bit from this…

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.



The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.



An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened? The Pope said: First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?



Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. What happened? they asked. Well, said Moishe, first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here. And then? asked a woman. I dont know, said Moishe. He took out his lunch and I took out mine…

M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.
Have some fries.

Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.
Have some fries.

Yale: I got mugged on the way to class today.
Have some fries.

Brown: I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.
Cool! Me too! Have some fries.

Swarthmore: I got a B.
Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.

Princeton: My father took away my Porsche this weekend.
Poor dear. Have some Escargot.

Harvard: Did you do anything this weekend?
Nope. Have some fries.

Williams: Dont I know you?
Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.

Cornell: I killed my lab partner this weekend.
Bummer. Have some fries.

Columbia: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets go get shot.

Penn: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets transfer to Columbia.

Stanford: Dude, I have so much work this weekend.
Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.

Dartmouth: Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.
Have some beer.

Tufts: I wish I were Ivy League.
Here, drink the fry grease.

Any line, however short, is still too long.

Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy
Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them
to undress, and a small bell is tied to each mans penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer
costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first
candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

Oh, Patrick, says the Monsignor, I am so disappointed
in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and
pray about your carnal weakness. The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate,
slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil
drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

Joseph, Joseph, sighs the Monsignor. You too are unable
to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower
and pray for forgiveness.

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final
candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his
body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, says the Monsignor.
Only you have the true strength of character needed to become
a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.

*Ting-a-ling*

[Ed: This is one of those ones that I never liked, but people keep sending
me versions of it with great regularity. I hope posting this makes them
stop. On the other hand, I still get Mouse Balls and Agnostic Dyslexics
at least once a week.]

In the beginning was the Plan

And then came the Assumptions

And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance

And the Darkness was on the faces of the Employees

And they spoke unto their Supervisors saying

Its a Crock of Shit and it Stinketh!

And the Supervisors went unto their Department Heads and sayeth

Its a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof.

And the Department Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth
unto them

It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Director and sayeth

It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength.

And the Director went unto the Vice President and sayeth

It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very Strong.

And the Vice President went to the Executive Vice President and
sayeth

It promoteth Growth, and it is very Powerful.

And the Executive Vice President went to the President and sayeth

This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and
Efficiency of the System.

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good

And the Plan became Policy

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert? he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.



Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you? asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.

Whys that Timmy?

Well, answered Timmy, the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…

And what about the deck of cards? asked the Scout Master impatiently. Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, Put that red nine on top of that black ten!

A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade. Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, Is it true, what they say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts? The Scotsman replied, Well, lass, youll just have to take a wee peek and discover for yourself. She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately, she dropped it and said, Aye, tis gruesome! To which he replied, Best look again, lass, I think its grew some more!

IBM: Itty Bitty Morons