Old and New Jokes

Una viuda rica y solitaria decidió que necesitaba otro hombre en su vida y puso un anuncio que decía:

VIUDA MILLONARIA BUSCA UN HOMBRE PARA COMPARTIR SU VIDA Y FORTUNA, CON LAS SIGUIENTES CARACTERISTICAS:

1. QUE NO ME GOLPEE

2. QUE NO SA VAYA NUNCA DE MI LADO

3. QUE SEA EXTRAORDINARIO EN LA CAMA

Por varios meses, su teléfono sonó incansablemente, el timbre de la puerta sonaba sin cesar, recibió toneladas de cartas, pero ninguno de los hombres parecía cumplir sus requisitos.

Un día el timbre sonó nuevamente. La mujer abrió la puerta para encontrar un hombre sin brazos ni piernas. Perpleja, le preguntó, ¿Quién es usted y qué desea?

Hola. Su búsqueda ha terminado. Yo soy el hombre de sus sueños. No tengo brazos, así que no puedo golpearla, y no tengo piernas, así que no puedo alejarme de su lado.

Muy bien, pero ¿qué le hace pensar que sea tan extraordinario en la cama?

¿Cómo cree que hice sonar el timbre?

A free agent is anything but.

Jack goes to the doctor and says Doc Im having trouble getting my

penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well the

problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis

are damaged. Theres really nothing I can do for you except if

youre willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment? Well, the doctor

explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a

baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going

through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for

it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to

use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his

girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the

city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs

that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately

sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a

dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,

That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied, Well, I guess so, but Im not sure I can fit another

dinner roll up my ass!

A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt. Sit down and tell me how it happened, said the doctor.

Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!

Okay, I see…But thats one ear – what about the other?

They called again!!

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, How much are your parrots?The salesman answers, The first one is $1,000. Well, what does he know? asked the potential buyer.He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences, and is able to solve mathematical expressions.How about the second one?The second parrot costs $5,000.What does he know?He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, AND create computer programs.Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer wondered.This one costs $20,000.Really?!, exclaimed the exciting buyer. What does he know?This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him their boss.

The real interpretation of corportate titles:

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by locomotive Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Dog paddles Talks to animals

MANAGER: Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotive two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Cant stay afloat with a life preserver Talks to walls

TRAINEE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building Says look at the choo-choo Wets him/herself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to him/herself

***************************************************** SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth Freezes water with a single glance To all of the above…is God! *****************************************************

This is a true story told to me recently.

[Ed: But reportedly also an urban legend.]

There was this guy who was married with a grown up son, who used to
love to go down the local with his mates. His long suffering wife endured
years of his drunken fits, but one night had too much. He arrived home
sloshed, and she heard some noise and found her husband asleep on the floor.

Not wanting to lift her now sleeping husband, she just covered him up.

Next, the son comes home and finds his father flaked out on the floor. He
decided that the old man needed to be taught a lesson, so he went to the
fridge and got a chicken throat (before we go on, picture what it looks like)
and undid his fathers fly, placing the chicken neck so that it just hung
out of his pants.

Early the next morning the wife rose and walked into the lounge room
and there was the cat standing over the husband, licking the neck. She
promptly fainted, hit the piano and needed 3 stitches on her eye.

(The whole idea was that the old man would go to the toilet in the morning
and wet himself.)

Q: How do you get the entire state of Kentucky into the Ohio River?

A: … throw in a quarter.

Q: How do you get the entire state of Kentucky *out* of the Ohio River?

A: … throw in a bar of soap.

The Tearful Bride…

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, Robert doesnt appreciate what I do for him.

Now, now, her mother comforted, I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.

No, mother, you dont understand.

I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!

Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! says her mom.

Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.

No, mother it wasnt the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.

Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?

Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –

Prepare from a frozen state, so I flew to Alaska!

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.The guy says, "Wow, it really works."