These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, How much for a box of rubbers?
Theyre $1 for a box of 3, he replied, Plus 6 cents for the tax.
Oh, said the blonde, I wondered how they kept them on.
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow…just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, just do it)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leavem in the middle)
A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation: What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?
Land mines, replied the Kuwaiti woman.
A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots. Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time? The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here, and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks He can drink?
Oh, sure. He can drink.
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
Thats amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk?
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. Thats amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?
The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctors powers!
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.Excited About Lifes Journey . . No concept of reality.Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.