Old and New Jokes

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they dont want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. Youve bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

22. Youve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think youre a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. Youve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as shes embarrassed and doesnt want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

Dont worry, he says, I didnt tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

Who is the third rose from? she asked

Oh, says the doctor, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit…

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

In the morning I pour coffee in my travel mug and drink about half of it on my way to work. In the afternoon it is still piping hot. Aint summertime great.

I dont worry about Bill Clinton any more, but those 47 million people who voted for him in 1996 scare me. Theyll still be around long after Bill is gone.

A gentleman always remembers a ladys birthday, but never her age.

I hope no one else famous dies for a few months. I dont think we can take much more of this.

I did not go to Woodstock 69, but I wish I had. I did not go to Woodstock 99 and I am glad I didnt.

Take it from me, I work at a Waffle House, and, Yes, there are many hungry drunks after midnight.

Theyve already spent millions looking for Eric Rudolph, so why wouldnt the FBI just fork out another $39.95 to that company that guarantees it can find anyone in the U.S.?

My weight control specialist got offended when I told him he was the best fat doctor in the city.

Ill never trust a beauty shop that has no mirrors.

Maybe if I could talk to Eleanor Roosevelts ghost, I could be as smart as Hillary.

Source: The Vent column

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, Jesus Christ! Joseph looked at Mary and said Write that down — thats better than Clyde!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother."Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.""I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.""Ive got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, May I halp you?

The first responds with, I would like … a blood.

The bartender turns to the second and says, May I help you?

The second thinks for a short time and says, I would like … a blood.

The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, May I help you?

The third looks at him and says, I would like … a plasma.

The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, Give me two bloods and a blood light.

What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer?

Frosted flakes.

2 aliens was sitting In a bar.Then the one whent shabagoemdallada and the uther one goes shut up BOB your drunk!!

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?

The second one says, Well, my husband sent me to charm school.

The first one says, Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?

The second one says, Because I used to say, Who gives a fuck, but now I say, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

What has ten teeth and is thrity feet long? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson Concert….