Old and New Jokes

The winning entry in a competition to find the most unfriendly error message was this one, which appeared after all the users computer files had been deleted:

Were you sure?

Hard drive — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard —- Place to hang your truck keys.

Window —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Floppy —— When you run out of Polygrip.

Modem ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

ROM ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

Byte ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Network —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

Mouse ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

LAN ——– To borrow as in, Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.

Cursor —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

bit ——— A wager as in, I bit you cant spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.

digital control — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

packet —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

PASSENGER
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a line. This line has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, Form line here.
BAGGAGE CLAIM
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, Baggage Claim Area.
CARRY ON BAG
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passengers seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they start carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

Q: Why were the bones chasing the skull?

A: Because they wanted to get ahead.

Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

Want to go in the back seat? she asked.

Nope, he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

No, I dont, he said again, I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.

Una maestra cubana dice a los ninos que hagan una composición con un tema de la revolución y al terminar manda a Pepito a que lea la suya:

Yo tengo una gatica que ayer tuvo cinco gaticos y todos los gaticos son revolucionarios.

La maestra, al ver que Pepito sabía que hasta los gaticos deben ser revolucionarios, propone al director de la escuela que llame al inspector para que oiga la composicion. Pasados tres dias llega el inspector a la escuela y la maestra muy diligente pide a Oepito que lea su composición y pepito lee:

Yo tengo una gatica que hace cinco dias tuvo cinco gaticos y tres son revolucionarios.

Al oir esto, la maestra reacciona rápidamente y le dice:

Pepito, la primera vez que leíste tu composición dijiste que todos los gaticos eran revolucionarios ¿que pasó?

Bueno maestra, es que dos ya abrieron los ojos.

Estaba una niña lavando un gato y pasa una señora y le dice:

Pero niña, ¿qué haces lavando un gato?, ¿no sabes que así se puede morir?

Y la niña le contesta:

¡No se muere el gato, es muy fuerte!

Se va la señora, y en un ratillo pasa de nuevo por el lado de la niña y le pregunta:

¿Por qué lloras?

Porque se me ha muerto el gato.

Y le dice la señora:

¿No te dije que se podía morir?

Pero no ha sido al lavarlo, ha sido al exprimirlo.

Llega una señora con su hija a una farmacia. La mamá pedía algunas cosas mientras la niña curioseaba en el mostrador y le pregunta a su mamá:

Oye mamá ¿que es condón?

La mamá se asombra y le dice: Es algo para que no te embaraces.

Después de un rato la niña dice a su mamá:

Mira, mamá, ese paquete trae dos.

Cállate, ese es para los de prepa, uno el sábado y otro el domingo.

Mira mamá, ese trae tres.

Cállate, ese es para los de universidad, uno el viernes otro el sábado y otro el domingo.

Mira mamá, ese trae 12.

Ese es para tu papá, uno en enero, otro en febrero, otro en marzo…