Old and New Jokes

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.

What on earth did you do that for? shouts Frank.

You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies, What…and we werent?

10. The monitor is up on blocks.9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is Huntin. 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

The terrorists have siezed the Attorney Building along with everyone in it.

They are demanding $10 Million.

But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the Police,
In case you think were not serious, if our demands arent met, were going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time.

A spelling bee was held in Washington D.C. among all interested politicians. The contest was competitive, until finally there were three contestants remaining. Those still in competition were President Clinton, former United States Senator Bob Packwood, and former Vice-President Dan Quayle. After a series of correct responses by each, Quayle was finally able to prevail over his opposition. He was the only one that knew that harass was only one word.

Llega un hombre al confesionario y dice: ¡Padre, me acuso de que he pecado!

Contesta el cura, ¿Qué pecado has cometido hijo mío?

Me acuso de que me he cogido a una negra en un cuarto oscuro, Padre…

Y el Padrecito le contesta, Tranquilo hijo, eso no es pecado, eso es puntería.

Un hombre se murió con el pene parado. A la hora de meterlo en el ataúd hubo problemas. Trataron de doblar el pene para todos los lados pero, una vez suelto, se levantaba de nuevo. Entonces, trataron de amarrarlo a una pierna pero se levantaba junto con la pierna. Por fin, un vecino dio consejo:

Córtenlo, engrásenlo y métanselo por el culo para enterrarlo con el cuerpo.

Los presentes lo hallaron razonable y así lo hicieron. Una vez hecho el asunto, notaron que del ojo del muerto salió una lágrima que resbaló por la mejilla. La viuda, al ver la lágrima, musitó dirigiéndose al muerto:

¡Oh, mi querido! ¿Y no eras tú quien decía que esto no dolía?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. Whats the matter, dear?, she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night?. The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. Yes I do she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex? Yes, I remember says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or Ill send you to jail for 20 years? I remember that too she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, I would have gotten out today.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.