Old and New Jokes

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, hey, how is it going down there?

The cannibal at the bottom says this is great, Im having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, youre eating too damn fast.

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that hes got a big smile on his face.

She asks, Did anything special happen at school today?

Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!

The mother is stunned.

Youre going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.

Thats right, Dad.

Well, you became a man today – this is cause for celebration. Lets head out for some ice cream, and then Ill buy that new bike youve been asking for.

That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Llegan dos tontilandeses a un autocine, se estacionan y comienzan a ver la película. A mitad de la película uno de ellos le dice al otro:

Oye Paco, esta película es bien mala, ¿verdad?

Sí, Manolo, tenemos que hacer algo para vengarnos de este cine.

¿Y qué quieres hacer?, dice Paco.

No lo se ¿qué dices tu?

Ya lo se, ¡vamos a romper los asientos!

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN



Thats right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.



FIRST YEAR



Fall Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS – Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas



Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesnt End with Conception

MEN 113 Get a Life; Learn to Cook



Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to ACT Like an Ass When Youre Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers



SECOND YEAR



Fall Schedule:

SEX 101 You Can Fall Asleep Without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If Its Awake, Then Take a Shower

MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down



Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest – You Dont Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially Naked



Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting @#%&*@ From Your Vocabulary

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Your mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
(and then they marry him.)

Yo mama so short she jumped off the sidewalk to commit suicide.