Old and New Jokes

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,


7 pints of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


11 boxes of Chicklets.


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,


12 Bottles of Corona.


11 boxes of Chicklets.


10 Ripened Mangos.


9 Cartons of Marlboro.


8 Homemade Tamales.


7 pint of vanilla.


6 tiny key limes.


5 gallons of Mescal.


4 bowls of salsa.


3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)


2 pounds of tortilla chips.


A Marachi band playing just for me.

Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Did Adam ever said to Eve, Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.

Yo mama so fat when she takes a ride on a airplane, they charge her double.

Its the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

Please let me in, says the man desperately. I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I dont come home with one.

Okay, says the butcher. Let me see what I have left. He goes into the freezer and discovers that theres only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

Thats one is too skinny. What else you got? says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

Oh, no, says the man, That one doesnt look any better. You better give me both of them!

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.His father was really proud of him. So his father asks, what part did you get?He replies, I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.His father congratulated him. And then he said Thats good son, maybe next time youll get a talking role!

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick- up, its not safe.

Do you think my hair is too big?

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

The tires on that truck are too big.

Ive got it all on a floppy disk.

Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

Damned if that polititian aint honest!

Were vegetarians. Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

You cant feed that to the dog.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I just love the Opera.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Wrasslins fake.

Doc, I dont understand whats going on with me. Its really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee.

The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.

So, the man continues, And sometimes I feel like a wigwam.

To which the doctor says, I wouldnt worry about it, Fred, youre just two tents. (tense 🙂

How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two! One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
room spins.

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!