How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but you have to wonder how they got in there.
31
Jan
31
Jan
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?, he asked.
Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.
A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?, he asked again.
Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. She replied again.
A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –
What a cute little fart!
31
Jan
Every ones heard Of Murphys Laws. Well here are some similiar ones:
Dixons Law: When youre driving behind a slow moving vechile in a no pasing zone; that vehicle will always turn in the same direction at the same intersection you do…
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: Theres always one more bug.
Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights; the greater the distance between gates.
Law of Goverment: The amount of time required to finish any project is equal to the amount of time already spent on it.
Law of Energy: Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good nights sleep.
One Last Thought … Murphy Was An Optimist!!!
31
Jan
JERUSALEM – In a surprise move today, Judaism filed suit against the Catholic Church, claiming Catholicism copied the look and feel of the religion.
Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a monotheistic religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh ™ The Old Testament ™ and the use of CH for the H sound, is suing for 2000 years of back royalties.
They are also asking that the court disallow the use of the term Judeo-Christian from all textbooks. The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman from the Vatican stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by the two religions has long expired, and that the suit violates the separation of church and state.
More news as the case develops.
31
Jan
Two hunters on safari in Africa decide to take a lion. When they find some lion prints, they are amazed at the size of the prints; pug marks larger than two of their fists, and deep gashes in a tree made by the claws. One of the hunters gets scared. He whispers to his partner, You follow this prints forward and find out where the lion is going. Ill follow these prints backward and find out where the lion came from.
31
Jan
I want to go back to the period when Hitler was just in charge and the german jews where discriminated but still alive even though desperate.There is joke of this time:
Aaron meets Moshe in Berlin and asks him what he has done the whole day long.
I was at the funeral of Hitler! he replies.
And how was it,what happened there
Oh.it was surprising says Moshe First they let the coffin down in the hole, but then pulled it out, then let it down again, pulled it out again and so on. About ten or twelve times!
But why? askes Aaron astonished.
Oh, thats no wonder, with this enormous applause he had!!!
31
Jan
Q: What do they call Santas helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after hes fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: Who sings Love Me Tender, and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santas little Elvis
Q: Which of Santas reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: Rudeolph
Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet
Q: What is the cows holiday greeting?
A: Mooooory Christmas
Q: What does Santa like to eat?
A: A jolly roll
Q: Where do Santas reindeers like to stop for lunch?
A: Deery Queen
Q: What does Santa say when he is sick?
A: OH OH NO!
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe
Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures?
A: With his North Pole-aroid.
Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
A: Santa Claus-trophbia
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesnt believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Received from Mikeys Funnies.
30
Jan
Why isnt palindrome spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — objects in mirror are closer than they appear, how can that be possible?
30
Jan
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
30
Jan
One day, a little girl walked in to a grocery store. She asked someone at the grocery store, who coincedentally was new, if they had bacon. He said I dont know, I dont know. So the little girl left. then the manager came and said to the new worker, you dont say I dont know. I dont know. you say Yes we do. yes we do. the next day and old man walked in to the store. he asked, Do you have any bacon? and the same worker said Yes we do. yes we do. then the old man asked, How much is it? and the worker said I dont know. i dont know. so the old man left. then the manager came back and said, you dont say i dont know, i dont know. you say 50 cents, 50 cents. the next day a teenage boy came to the store. he asked the worker, do you have any bacon? and the worker said yes we do, yes we do. then the boy asked, how much is it? and the worker said 50 cents, 50 cents. then the boy asked, Is it fresh? and the worker said I dont know, i dont know. the boy left. then the manager came and said You dont say i dont know, i dont know. you say very very fresh, very very fresh. the next day a young woman walked into the store. she asked the worker, do you have bacon? and the worker said Yes we do, yes we do. then she asked How much is it? and the worker said 50 cents, 50 cents. then the woman asked is it fresh? and the worker said very very fresh, very very fresh. then the lady asked is it on sale? and the worker said i dont know, i dont know. so the lady left. the manager came and said, you dont say i dont know, i dont know, you say not today, maybe tomorrow. the next day two criminals came. they asked do you have money? and the worker said yes we do, yes we do. then the criminals asked how much? and the worker said 50 cents, 50 cents. then one of the criminals asked, are you being fresh with me? and the worker said very very fresh, very very fresh. then the criminals asked, can we kill you? and the worker said not today, maybe tomorrow.