21
Oct

Manolo y Venancio deciden ir

Manolo y Venancio deciden ir a cazar alces al Canadá y contratan a un guía de origen francés para tal efecto. El francés les informa:

Senogues, yo soy Francsua y mi companego es Piegr. Piegr tocagá un cuegno que emite el sognido del alce hembgra; esto hagrá que el alce macho salga cong sus instintogs segsuales a buscag a la hembgra. Cuando salga, ustegdes dispagan, ¿entendiegon?

Los tontilandeses, que tienen un sentido de captación agudo, contestan muy emocionados:

¡Sí! ¡Sí!

El guía galo ordena:

¡Pieeeeg, toca el cuegno!

De inmediato, Pierre toma el cuerno y lo hace sonar:

¡Mmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!

En un santiamén, el alce sale a buscar a la hembra y los tontilandeses disparan… pero fallan. El guía insiste:

Senogues, pog favog haganme caso. Cuando Pieg suene el cuegno; el alce salgdrá con sus instintos segsuales a buscag a la hembgra y entoncegs usteges dispagan, ¿ahogra si entendiegon?

¡Sí! ¡Sí, pendejo! ¡Ya entendimos, cabrón!, le responden aún emocionados.

¡Pieeeeeeeegggg, suena el cuegno!

¡Mmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!

Y otra vez, sale el alce rápidamente y los tontilandeses disparan… y fallan de nuevo.

El francés, enojado, les reprende:

¡¡Senoges, entiendang, pog favooog, cuango Pieg suegne el cuegno el alce sale gápidamengte con sus instintogs segsuales a buscag a la hembgra y ustedes dispagan!!

¡Wi, wi, cabrón, ya déjanos cazar, idiota!

Pues que sea la última vegz que se los digo pogque ya van dos vecegs que el pingche alce se coge a Pieg.

21
Oct

A un hombre se le

A un hombre se le perdió una cartera con mil dólares y cinco tarjetas de crédito y puso un anuncio en el periódico:

$100 a la persona que me devuelva la cartera con $1,000 y cinco tarjetas de crédito.

Al día siguiente, en el mismo periódico, apareció un anuncio:

$200 por lo mismo, más una cena gratis en un restaurante.

21
Oct

Dos ancianos aoraban casarse, as

Dos ancianos añoraban casarse, así que se dirigieron al cura más cercano. Cuando llegaron el cura les preguntó, ¿en qué les puedo ayudar?

El anciano le responde: ¡Deseamos casarnos!

Comienzan una pequeña charla, ya que el cura no los quiere casar, debido a que por su avanzada edad si sostenían relaciones continuamente uno de los dos podía morir. Al final llegan a un arreglo y deciden que únicamente pueden hacer el amor cada quince días.

Durante un largo tiempo los ancianos cumplen con este requisito, cuando en una noche

la anciana se dirige muy cautelosamente hacia la habitación del anciano. Cuando el anciano se da cuenta de la presencia de su esposa le dice:

MIJA, acuérdese del compromiso que hicimos con el cura de solamente hacer el amor cada quince días, y recuerde que apenas ayer fue el día.

Y la venerable anciana le contesta:

¡MIJO, ES QUE YO VENGO A VER SI ME ADELANTA UNA QUINCENITA!

21
Oct

Got A Match

A man walked into a psychiatrists office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.

The shrink frowned and said, I see you need my help!

The guy said, Yeah Doc. Got a match!?

21
Oct

Trust

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial –it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room…

21
Oct

Directions for making fruitcake.

How to make a fruitcake!:

———————————

1 C water

1 C sugar

4 large eggs

2 C dried fruit

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

1 C brown sugar

Lemon juice

Nuts

1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Directions:

——————–

1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.

6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

7. Turn off the mixer.

8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

9. Mix on the turner.

10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.

13. Check the whiskey.

14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

16. Grease the oven.

17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

18. Dont forget to beat off the turner.

19. Throw the bowl out the window.

20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

21
Oct

Blonde throws a pin

Q: What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell because she has a hand greanade in her mouth.

21
Oct

Macho man!

Typical macho man marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you!

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says, No, thats fine with me.

Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre HOME or not!

21
Oct

Cat joke

What kind of cereal do cats eat? Mice Crispies!

21
Oct

You may be an engineer if …

You may be an engineer if …

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kidstoys
If you use a CAD package to design your sons Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your cameras flash attachment
If you dont even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own Official Star Trek anything
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance (oh-oh)..
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting dont work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you can type 70 words a minute but cant read your own handwriting (BIG OH-Oh! )
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you cant remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didnt get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If youve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates – jg)
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail …