You feed the dog, and Ill feed the fish.
20
Oct
20
Oct
A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, Perfect timing. Youre just like Dave.
The passenger said, Who?
The cabbie said, Dave Bronson. Now theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.
The rider said, Well, nobodys perfect.
The cabbie said, Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.
The rider said, No wonder you remember him.
The cabbie said, Well, no I never actually met Dave.
The rider asked, Then how do you know so much about him?
The cabbie exclaimed, I married his widow!
20
Oct
10. They cant garnish what you dont make.
9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert cartoons.
8. Chance to meet exotic male dancers in unemployment line (and do the Full Monte)
7. Sleep all night . . . Sleep all day!
6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!
5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote wont cry sexual harassment.
4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your Professional Attire.
3. Re-runs of Chips only shown during regular working hours.
2. It really pisses off the in-laws.
1. The only glass ceiling shell be complaining about is the mirror over your bed!
20
Oct
Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals?
Went home and got them bronzed.
19
Oct
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
19
Oct
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep.
The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.
A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup.
The doctor asks him How are you feeling?
The man replies Not BAAAAD!
19
Oct
El cura del pueblo, sumamente enojado, se queja al rabino:
Alguno de tus feligreses me ha robado la bicicleta.
¿Y por qué crees que ha sido alguno de mis feligreses?
¿Qué católico le va ha robar la bicicleta a un sacerdote?
No sé. Mira, vamos a hacer lo siguiente: yo el sábado y tú el domingo, cuando demos el sermón, hablaremos sobre los diez mandamientos. Seguro que cuando hablemos sobre el No robarás, quien lo haya hecho se arrepentirá y te devolverá la bicicleta.
Asà que quedan de acuerdo en hacer lo antes dicho y reencontrarse el lunes siguiente.
Dime, ¿hiciste lo que pactamos?, pregunta el rabino.
SÃ, fue una gran idea.
¿Te devolvieron la bicicleta?
¡No, que va, pero la he recuperado de todas formas, lo que pasó es que cuando llegué al No fornicarás me acordé‚ en donde estaba la bicicleta!
19
Oct
Érase una vez un hombre que le gustaban mucho los monos. Un dÃa en el escaparate de una agencia de viajes ve un cartel: PARAISO AFRODISIACO: VENGA A VER LOS MONOS. El hombre, eufórico, se lo cuenta a su mujer y se suben al avión en busca de los monos.
Cuando están a punto de aterrizar la azafata les explica que está totalmente prohibido llevarse los monos. El último dÃa del viaje, dando una vuelta por la isla, el hombre se encuentra a un mono muy pequeñito. Como su mujer estaba despistada, aprovechó el momento para ponérselo en sus partes y llevárselo a España.
Cuando ya están en el avión de regreso a España, el hombre empieza a morirse de placer a causa del mono que va haciendo de las suyas con su pene. No puede desimular su placer y empieza a gemir. Asà tres veces durante todo el viaje. Su mujer, asustada, le lleva al médico por si ha cogido alguna enfermedad en la isla.
Llegan a la consulta del doctor y éste le pregunta:
Señor, ¿qué le pasa a usted?
No sé, que últimamente me excito muy rápido.
A ver, bájese los pantalones y los calzoncillos.
Se los baja y el doctor encuentra al mono durmiendo:
¡Joder! Un mono durmiendo.
¡Claro! ¡Con los tres biberones que se ha metido!
19
Oct
Q:Why do women like hunters?
A:They go deep into the bush they shoot twice and they eat what they shoot.
19
Oct
LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) — After El Nino brought only moderate rain to the West Coast, the National Weather Service was forced to admit that the much-hyped El Nino was indeed a hoax.
The infamous radar depictions of the swirling weather system were no more than infra-red photographs of a flushing toilet uploaded onto satellites by a couple of teenage pranksters.
In the interest of good taste, the NWS would not describe how the teenagers simulated the Boktu Islands being spun around and swallowed up by the ocean, but admit that maybe someone should have called Boktu before giving the islands Atlantis status.
The NWS confessed that they were surprised people actually listened to their local weather person in the first place, saying, I mean, look at them for goodnesss sake, theyre rodeo clowns in suits.
Reported by Dave James
The Daily Probe, December 22, 1997 daily@walrus.com