Old and New Jokes

Una señora entra en una armería y dice:

Quiero una escopeta para mi marido.

¿Y él le ha dicho de qué calibre?

¿Qué dice? ¡Si él ni siquiera sabe que le voy a disparar!

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.



The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, See! That was more than 5 times a month!



The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.



Again the wife bugs her husband, Hey, thats some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!



Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.



The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!



The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, Thats once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!



The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!

Everybody should believe in something, I believe Ill have another beer.

Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.

She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!

Yes? she responded.
Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.

No, not anymore, she answered.
Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?

• Duct tape wont fix that.
  

• Wrasslins fake.
  

• No kids in the back of the pick-up, its not safe.
  

• Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  

• We dont keep firearms in this house.
  

• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
  

• You cant feed that to the dog.
  

• I thought Graceland was tacky.
  

• Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
  

• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  

• Were vegetarians.
  

• Do you think my hair is too big?
  

• Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  

• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
  

• Whos Richard Petty?
  

• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  

• Deer heads detract from the decor.
  

• Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  

• I just couldnt find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  

• Trim the fat off that steak.
  

• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  

• The tires on that truck are too big.
  

• Actually, unsweetened tea tastes better.
  

• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  

• My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffanys.
  

• Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  

• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  

• Checkmate.
  

• Shes too old to be wearing that bikini.
  

• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  

• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  

• Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.
  

• I dont have a favorite college team.
  

• Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  

• I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  

• Elvis who?
  

Jewish telegram: Start worrying. Details to follow.

A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts: Gimme a jigger Nigger.

The black man tells him how that wasnt a nice thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment. The Chinese man explains he wouldnt give a shit, so the black man says okay, you get behind the bar, and well try it again. So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy goes outside.

After a few seconds the black man comes in and says, Gimme a drink Chink.

The Chinese man stares at him and says Fuck off, we dont serve niggers.

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.