Old and New Jokes

What does a blonde say when she finds out shes pregnant? Are you sure its mine?

“Who is it?” asked the inmate of a house when he heard a knock on his door.

”I am Sher Singh,” came the answer.

”Sher Singh who?”

”I am Sher Singh, son of Dilawar Singh.”

”who is your grandfather?”

”Bahadur Singh.”

”Why don’t you come in? The door is open.”

”Sir, your dog is sitting on the door step.”

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin Bowles

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, itll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you cant get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.. Scream that youve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing Postman Pat at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Dont Give A Shit.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Dont Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Dont Succeed…blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.

13. If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.

15. Its Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If Youre Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. Youre Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me Im Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then Youre Doing It Wrong…

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over…[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

49. Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That

50. Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

51. Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

53. If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isnt Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!

56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.

58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

62. BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.

63. So youre a feminist…Isnt that precious.

64. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?

65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I understand that it would be considered bad taste to introduce myself as Randy. eg Hi, Im randy

Not bad taste, but rather on the forward side. The equivalent perhaps of Hi, Im horny. Guaranteed to go down well in parties.

By the way, I always felt that Randy Vanwarmer was a great name. It has descriptive possibilities as well as being a name.

PS when I was in college there was a guy with a name of Nick Childharmer. Guess he wouldnt get a Social Services job.

RODNEY DANGERFIELDS BEST ONE-LINERS

I was so poor growing up…If I wasnt born a boy..Id have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ….Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it werent for pickpockets, Id have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy, why are you doing that?

He said, Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

Im afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby…My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Im so ugly…My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born …. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, Im very sorry. We did everything we could… But he pulled through.

Im so ugly … My mother had morning sickness – after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him …. Do you think well ever find them?

He said, I dont know kid … there are so many places they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Im so ugly…I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big Id get.

I went to see my doctor Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. Whats wrong with me? he said…I dont know but your eyesight is perfect.

I went to the doctor because Id swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out,
Miss Jones, I need to have a piss!

Miss Jones replied,
Now Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, Youre an eight, but if you had bigger tits, youd be a 10.

En una clase mixta el maestro pregunta a sus alumnos qué quieren hacer de mayores:

Dime, Roberto.

Ingeniero, señor. ¿Y tú, Carlos?

Fontanero.

¿Clara, y tú?

Yo quiero ser mamá. Muy bien, Clara, ¿y tú, Jaimito?

Yo… ¡yo quiero ayudar a Clara a que sea mamá!

Fue una noche inolvidable para la humanidad, el 20 de julio de 1969, justamente a las 22 horas, 56 minutos, y 15 segundos, el comandante Neil Armstrong había puesto por primera vez un pie en la Luna, justo en el sector denominado Mar de la Tranquilidad, marcando para la historia un evento sin precedentes. Luego de la famosa frase: Este es un pequeño paso para el hombre pero un gran paso para la humanidad, el comandante Armstrong dijo en voz baja: Y buena suerte para usted, señor Gorsky.

Esto causó asombro a los acompañantes del módulo lunar Apolo 11, el comandante Edwin Buzz Aldrin Jr. y el piloto Mike Collins, así como a todos los operadores terrestres que monitoreaban cada instante de tan importante evento. Muchos se miraron con aire de incertidumbre, sin precisar el verdadero sentido de esta frase.

Los periodistas que cubrían para el mundo toda la información, hicieron algunas preguntas a la base terrestre, acerca de la frase, pero los físicos sólo se limitaron a responder: Debe ser algún mensaje para algún cosmonauta amigo.

Algunos curiosos se dedicaron a interpretar esa frase y dentro de sus investigaciones descubrieron que no existía ningún cosmonauta Gorsky en el programa espacial de la NASA, ni tampoco existía ese nombre en los registros del programa espacial soviético. Esto provocó más curiosidad entre los periodistas quienes no perdían la oportunidad para preguntarle a Neil Armstrong acerca de la frase. Él siempre respondió con una sonrisa y un completo silencio. Por muchos años sucedió lo mismo.

El 16 de julio de 1994, cuando se celebraban los 25 años de la cuenta regresiva de la Misión Gemini 8, que hizo que la nave Saturn V, de 360 pies de altura y de 6.5 millones de libras despegara del andén 39A en el Centro Espacial Kennedy en Florida, un joven periodista recordó lo que por muchos años había sido una interrogante, y de manera sencilla le solicitó al Doctor Armstrong:

Comandante, ahora que ya han pasado 25 años de la misión, podría usted referirse a la frase Y buena suerte para usted señor Gorsky pronunciada durante su primera caminata lunar?

El comandante, con una sonrisa en los labios,, le respondió:

Bueno, ya ha pasado mucho tiempo, y en virtud que el señor Gorsky murió el invierno pasado, creo que ya puedo referirme con libertad al tema, y relató:

Era un 5 de agosto de 1940, lo recuerdo muy bien pues celebraban en mi casa, en Wapakoneta, Ohio, mi décimo cumpleaños, y como era una tarde soleada, muchos niños jugábamos béisbol en el jardín de mi casa; de pronto, uno de los chicos pegó un imparable que voló por la cerca del vecino, y como en ese momento yo estaba corriendo esa zona, brinqué la cerca que separaba nuestras casas y busqué la pelota justo bajo de la ventana del joven matrimonio de los Gorsky: una pareja sin niños que tenían cerca de veinticinco años de edad. Me dirigí sigiloso hasta la ventana de los Gorsky, pero la señora Gorsky, quien ya me había visto brincar la cerca, le reclamó a su esposo:

¡Sexo oral! ¿Quieres sexo oral? Pues tendrás sexo oral cuando ese mocoso de los Armstrong camine sobre la Luna.

Newspaper Headline:

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasnt Seen in Years