Old and New Jokes

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial –it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room…

How to make a fruitcake!:

———————————

1 C water

1 C sugar

4 large eggs

2 C dried fruit

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

1 C brown sugar

Lemon juice

Nuts

1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Directions:

——————–

1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.

6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

7. Turn off the mixer.

8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

9. Mix on the turner.

10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.

13. Check the whiskey.

14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

16. Grease the oven.

17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

18. Dont forget to beat off the turner.

19. Throw the bowl out the window.

20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Q: What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell because she has a hand greanade in her mouth.

Typical macho man marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you!

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says, No, thats fine with me.

Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre HOME or not!

What kind of cereal do cats eat? Mice Crispies!

You may be an engineer if …

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kidstoys
If you use a CAD package to design your sons Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your cameras flash attachment
If you dont even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own Official Star Trek anything
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance (oh-oh)..
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting dont work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you can type 70 words a minute but cant read your own handwriting (BIG OH-Oh! )
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you cant remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didnt get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If youve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates – jg)
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail …

None. Thats what rednecks are for.

What does a blonde say after shes had sex? All you boys on the same team?

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.

The second little boy pipes up, Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his ears.

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.

Really, have you seen it? ask the boys.

The third boy responds, No, but Ive seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants.

I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off. he replies.

You dirty bastard! shouts the barmaid, get out before I get my husband.

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off. he replies.

What??? screams the barmaid, Thats it, youre barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

Right. Ill give you one last chance, says the barmaid, now, what do you want?

I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.

The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

Whats up, love? says the husband.

Theres this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off, she says in a flood of tears.

What?! Hes a dead man! shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off! screams the wife.

Right, hes going to need a body bag, the bastard! shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

Arent you going to do something?!! shouts the wife in hysterics.

Listen love, Im not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…