Old and New Jokes

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Dont panic. Hell be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.

Who was that? Demands the wife.

If you must know, that was my mistress.

Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!

Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,

Isnt that Howard over there? Whos he with?

That’s HIS mistress.

Oh… Well I think ours is cuter.

Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?

A. Practice.

Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A. To cover the valve stem.

Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A. It takes too long to retrain them.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a guy?

A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?

A. They spread for the bread.

Q. Whats the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?

A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

10. Price Gougers
9. Burt and Lonis Cozy Couple Shop
8. Toys R Defective
7. Every Item $7500
6. Crap Mart
5. The Really, Really, Really Limited
4. Hefty Lefties: The Store for Left-Handed Fat Guys
3. Gap for Bastards
2. Joey Buttafuocos Auto Body Shop
1. Roseannes Secret

A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over!

What do you mean? said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts!

The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, she said.

I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, I dont want to complain, but Im pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.

I was walking into the store the other day when I saw this blind man an his seeing eye dog. Suddenly, the man grabs the dogs leash, and starts swinging the dog around his head. I walked up and said Hey, what the hell are you doin?

The blind man said Oh nothing, just lookin around.

Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.

Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

Patient: Good grief! Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

1. Big companies dont do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on just in case its true. Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that we checked it out and its legit, does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have. Thats none as in zero. Not even your friends cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesnt really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you dont, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers, gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no Good Times virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actualcompany that actually deals with virii. Try:
http://www.norton.com/
And even then, dont forward it.
7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, youre probably going to Hell.
8. If youre using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the HTML encoding. Those of us on Unix shells cant read it, and dont care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since youre probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else whos received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldnt hurt to get rid of all the > that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times – weve probably already seen it.
10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a little boy either.