Old and New Jokes

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep.

The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup.

The doctor asks him How are you feeling?

The man replies Not BAAAAD!

El cura del pueblo, sumamente enojado, se queja al rabino:

Alguno de tus feligreses me ha robado la bicicleta.

¿Y por qué crees que ha sido alguno de mis feligreses?

¿Qué católico le va ha robar la bicicleta a un sacerdote?

No sé. Mira, vamos a hacer lo siguiente: yo el sábado y tú el domingo, cuando demos el sermón, hablaremos sobre los diez mandamientos. Seguro que cuando hablemos sobre el No robarás, quien lo haya hecho se arrepentirá y te devolverá la bicicleta.

Así que quedan de acuerdo en hacer lo antes dicho y reencontrarse el lunes siguiente.

Dime, ¿hiciste lo que pactamos?, pregunta el rabino.

Sí, fue una gran idea.

¿Te devolvieron la bicicleta?

¡No, que va, pero la he recuperado de todas formas, lo que pasó es que cuando llegué al No fornicarás me acordé‚ en donde estaba la bicicleta!

Érase una vez un hombre que le gustaban mucho los monos. Un día en el escaparate de una agencia de viajes ve un cartel: PARAISO AFRODISIACO: VENGA A VER LOS MONOS. El hombre, eufórico, se lo cuenta a su mujer y se suben al avión en busca de los monos.

Cuando están a punto de aterrizar la azafata les explica que está totalmente prohibido llevarse los monos. El último día del viaje, dando una vuelta por la isla, el hombre se encuentra a un mono muy pequeñito. Como su mujer estaba despistada, aprovechó el momento para ponérselo en sus partes y llevárselo a España.

Cuando ya están en el avión de regreso a España, el hombre empieza a morirse de placer a causa del mono que va haciendo de las suyas con su pene. No puede desimular su placer y empieza a gemir. Así tres veces durante todo el viaje. Su mujer, asustada, le lleva al médico por si ha cogido alguna enfermedad en la isla.

Llegan a la consulta del doctor y éste le pregunta:

Señor, ¿qué le pasa a usted?

No sé, que últimamente me excito muy rápido.

A ver, bájese los pantalones y los calzoncillos.

Se los baja y el doctor encuentra al mono durmiendo:

¡Joder! Un mono durmiendo.

¡Claro! ¡Con los tres biberones que se ha metido!

Q:Why do women like hunters?



A:They go deep into the bush they shoot twice and they eat what they shoot.

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) — After El Nino brought only moderate rain to the West Coast, the National Weather Service was forced to admit that the much-hyped El Nino was indeed a hoax.

The infamous radar depictions of the swirling weather system were no more than infra-red photographs of a flushing toilet uploaded onto satellites by a couple of teenage pranksters.

In the interest of good taste, the NWS would not describe how the teenagers simulated the Boktu Islands being spun around and swallowed up by the ocean, but admit that maybe someone should have called Boktu before giving the islands Atlantis status.

The NWS confessed that they were surprised people actually listened to their local weather person in the first place, saying, I mean, look at them for goodnesss sake, theyre rodeo clowns in suits.

Reported by Dave James

The Daily Probe, December 22, 1997 daily@walrus.com

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ANY TELECOM CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you dont know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.
A BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. Officialy you dont have cows. Their milk is black. You declare 20 cows for EC subsidies. Their stable was built without permit, of course by yourself with recuperation materials. Keeping them generates losses which are tax-deductable.

When God made man,

he made him out of string.

He had a little left,

so he left a little thing.

When God made woman,

he made her out of lace.

He didnt have enough,

so he left a little space.

Determination
Talking the boss out of firing you. (Ken Pinkham)

Anthrax
The thorax of a certain colonial insect (Gary Hallock)

Contract
Follow the prisoner (Phil Hudson)

Advice
Pick up a new bad habit (Jay Christie)

Tangent
man who has been in the sun. (Lexicon)

Catacomb
An implement for grooming felines. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Disbelief
How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is. (Jay Christie)

Political
Scratching your parrot under his wing to make him laugh uncontrolably. (Stan Kegel)

Jaywalking
Exercise that brings on that run–down feeling (Robert Meyers)

Taxi driver
someone who earns a living by driving customers away. (Lexicon)

Catatonic
Your felines favorite drink (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Console
Fileted fish served in prison. (Keith Martin)

Forfeit
What most animals stand on (Jay Christie)

Digress
Tinted artificial turf. (J. A. Mc.)

Slugfest
An escargot cook-off. (Lexicon)

Converse
Poetry written by prison inmates (Stan Kegel)

Countdown
What they would say about Dracula when he fell (Jay Christie)

Jailer
Man with a confining job (Robert Meyers)

Logarithm
Music in the forest. (Tim Bruening)

Testes
small quizzes. (Lexicon)

Why did the Priest wear underwear in the shower?

He didnt want to look down on the unemployed