Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But Im not a Giants fan," the little hero replies."Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter."Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "Im not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "Im a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza. –Dave Barry
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
–Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love
Apparently a new galaxy is being formed or something. But
what it is, is they have discovered a huge cloud of dust
out there. And scientists believe if they could look and
see under the dust, they would find an enormous exercise
bicycle. –Bill Maher
I went on a diet but I had to go on two diets at the same
time because one wasnt giving me enough food. –Barry Marter
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30
years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found. –Calvin Trillin
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people. –Orson Welles
How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.
I found these sentences in a book which claims that they are from
actual newspaper articles:
Great care must be exercised in tying horses to trees, as they are apt
to bark.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery; we do it carefully by hand.
After Governor Baldridge watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main
Street and fed twenty-five pounds of red meat in front of the Fox Theater.
The Duchess handled the launching beautifully, confidently smashing the
champagne against the prow. The crowd cheered as she majestically slid
down the greasy runway into the sea.
Anti-nuclear protestors released live cockroaches inside the White House
Friday, and these were arrested when they left and blocked a security gate.
I worry about these people.
Path: …decvax!yale!spock!wooga
There were 2 blondes and a brunette.
The first blonde said I want to be smart. POOF! She was a brunette.
The other one said the same thing.POOF! She was a Brunette too!
The Brunette said I want to be dumb! POOF! She was a man!
Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in
his pay envelope.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
So did you follow him?
I did.
And…where did he go?
Over to your house…
Tres mujeres mueren y llegan a las puertas del cielo donde las recibe San Pedro. San Pedro se dirige a la primera de las mujeres:
A ver hija, ¿ningún pecado en tu vida? No, San Pedrito. ¿Nunca le fuiste infiel a tu marido? No, nunca. ¿Ni con el pensamiento? Nunca, ni con el pensamiento. Bueno, entonces toma: las llaves del cielo. Gracias San Pedrito, gracias.
San Pedro se dirige ahora a la segunda mujer:
Y tu, hija mÃa, ¿le fuiste infiel alguna vez a tu marido?. No, nunca. ¿Ni con el pensamiento?. Ehhhh, sÃ, una vez. Entonces toma, la llave del purgatorio. La que sigue.
Entra la tercer mujer. Un cuerpazo, toda pintada, jeans super ajustados y un escote amplÃsimo:
Ehhh… Este… ehhh… mmm, dime, hija mÃa, ¿y tú? Mira San Pedrito, la verdad es que yo sà me metà con todos los que pude: con el panadero, el lechero, el jardinero, el policÃa de la esquina, el sobrino de mi esposo, el cuñado, el jefe, 3 de sus amigos…
San Pedro la interrumpe: Ya hija, suficiente, toma, la llave de mi cuarto.
Siete ladrones pretendÃan robar una casa; uno de ellos tomó una escalera manual y empezaron a subir. El primer ladrón se asomó por una ventana y les informó a los demás:
Está oscuro.
El segundo ratero le informa al tercero y asà sucesivamente hasta llegar al séptimo. El primero continúa observando y avisa:
Veo una silueta.
Y otra vez, del segundo al sexto, repiten el mensaje.
El primero prosigue:
Es una mujer.
Y los demás repiten el mensaje.
Es una mujer y está desnuda.
Nuevamente se repite el aviso.
Entonces, alarmado, el primer ladrón advierte:
Cuidado, que ya se paró
Y el último de los ladrones dice:
A mà también.