Old and New Jokes

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR
NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

From: Gary Guibor on GEnie

Files can still vote for Mayor Daley even after theyve been deleted
Marketing tie-in: new Kibbles & 32-bits dog food
New, more-realistic Microsoft Flight Simulator loses your luggage
System events accompanied by audio clip of Super Fans saying da Bearssssss…
(DELETED PENDING OUTCOME OF STACKER LAWSUIT)
Automatically taps into bank computers and gives Bill Gates the *rest* of your money
For an additional $2.95 per minute, tech support operators will talk dirty
Authentic-looking spilled coffee on desktop
In order to start Lotus 1-2-3, user must be sitting in lotus position
And the number one unpublicized feature of Chicago…
Strip solitaire

A young lady had just emerged from a hot bath when the door bell rang. Dripping wet, she ran to the door and called out I cant let you in – Ive just got out of the bath.

Thats all right lady, said the voice from the other side of the door. Im a blind salesman.

All right, then, said the young lady and opened the door.

Thanks, said the man. Where shall I put the blinds?

Q. How does every ethnic joke start?

A. By looking over your shoulder.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didnt have a rifle.

Thats no problem, son, said the sergeant. Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go Bangety Bang Bang.

But what about a bayonet, Sarge? asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. Here, use this … just go, Stabity Stab Stab.

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. Bangety Bang Bang! The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab! He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming.

Bangety Bang Bang! repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab! Its no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says … Tankety Tank Tank.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: Why dont I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.

Hillary: Well, why dont you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.

Al: Why dont you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.

Tipper: Why dont we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

La profesora quiere tomarle el pelo a sus alumnos y les dice:

Voy a hacer dos preguntas, pero el que conteste bien la primera, no deberá contestar la segunda. A ver, ¿cuántos pelos tienen los caballos en el lomo?

Jaimito responde rápidamente: Sesenta y dos mil quinientos treinta y cinco.

¿Y tú cómo puedes saberlo?

¡Ah! Esa ya es la segunda pregunta.

Yo mama so skinny, I gave her a red hat and a fake mustache and people called her Paper Mario.

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the partys sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever.

Knock knock Whos there? KatmanduKatmandu who? Katmandu what Catwoman wants!

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.

If this doesnt work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.