Old and New Jokes

It seems that a young man volunterred for military service during
World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent
right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on
the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down
6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese
planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the
carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
said, Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?

The captain replied, You make one velly impoltant mistake!

Here is an easy way to make money from the post office.


Buy an Helium filled floating party balloon and write your address on it.


Go to the post office and say you want to post the balloon.


Tie the balloon onto the weighing scale and ask for the postage cost.


The floating balloon will make the scale read below zero.


The post office would thus pay you money for posting it.


You don’t even have to carry the balloon home as the post office will deliver it to your address !

Submitted by dogtogod.com

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.



Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.

Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace.



What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.



The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.



The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for a nice funeral. I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.



And the third envelope? asked her friends.



The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.



Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, So, do you like my stone? showing off her ten carat diamond ring…

An
elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his
guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. Rabbi,
during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy,
I pretended to be a goy and changed my name from
Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it.

Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were
a Jew is admirable, said the Rabbi.

Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.

That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty.

Its worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with
her sexual favours.

You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans
had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will
be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.

Thank you, Rabbi. Thats a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.

And what is that?

Should I tell her the war is over?

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razorblade.

Dont panic, Im coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?

Yes, I shaved with the electric razor.

Doctor, Doctor, Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!

Do you drink a lot?

Not really – I spill most of it!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Is this her first child? the doctor queries.

No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband!

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:

Im afraid were going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.

Well, if its just because of them, Id rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.

Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

You might be a redneck if your dog cant watch you eat without gagging!

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying I need 45 gallons of milk.

He knocked on the door and a beautiful blond answered it.

Is this a mistake?

the milkman asked.

No, she said, I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is good for your skin.

Really?

replied the milkman.

Do you want it pasteurised?

No, up to my tits would be fine, she said

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.



Time Limit: 3 Days.



Write Your Name: ________________________________________

(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).



1. What language is spoken in Germany?



2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – OR – Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.



3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to



____ (a) build a bridge

____ (b) lead an army or

____ (c) WRITE A PLAY



4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)

____ (a) Jewish

____ (b) Catholic

____ (c) Hindu

____ (d) Polish



5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?



6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?



7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)



8. What are people in Americas far NORTH called?

____ (a) Westerners

____ (b) Southerners

____ (c) NORTHerners



9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)

_______________________________



10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.

Name the previous five.



11. Where does rain come from?

____ (a) Wall Mart

____ (b) Kmart

____ (c) Canada

____ (d) the sky



12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?

____ (a) yes

____ (b) no



13. What are coat hangers used for?



14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?



15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.



16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?



17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

____ (a) Minnnesota

____ (b) Florida

____ (c) Canada

____ (d) Wisconsin



18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?



19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?



20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

____ (a) B.C

____ (b) A.D.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.