The boss went on an efficiency kick, and put up signs all over the office saying DO IT NOW.
Within three hours, the cashier absconded with the money in the safe, the secretary eloped with the bosss son, the office boy threw a bottle of ink into the electric fan, and the entire (remaining) staff went off to a ball game.
Yo mama aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back!
En un viaje, aquel señor acertó a pasar por la ciudad donde estudiaba su hijo, al que estaba ansioso de ver después de tanto tiempo, y de quien se sentÃa muy orgulloso.
Tomó un taxi para ir a visitarlo a la casa donde vivÃa junto a otros compañeros. Llega a la casa y toca el timbre. Se abre una ventana del segundo piso y asoma la cabeza un muchacho:
DÃgame, señor.
¿Aquà vive Leovigildo Pérez?
SÃ, responde el muchacho, déjelo en la puerta, ahorita lo recogemos nosotros.
Llegaron tres individuos al Cielo, pero debido al sobrecupo únicamente admitirÃan a uno de ellos, por lo que San Pedro les explica:
El que haya tenido la muerte más inesperada, entrará.
El primer tipo alega:
Me encontraba en mi oficina, cuando presentà que mi esposa me estaba engañando, asà que de inmediato me fui a casa. Al llegar escuché a mi mujer decir escóndete. De tal forma que empecé a buscar al desgraciado, cuando vi unas manos en el balcón; empecé a pegarles hasta que cayó; era tanto mi enojo que, además, le aventé el refrigerador. Después de un rato, me di un tiro de puro remordimiento.
El segundo declara:
Estaba pintando una pared de una casa, cuando resbalé y quedé colgado de un balcón. De repente, alguien empezó a pegarme y me solté. Momentos después, me cayó un refrigerador encima.
El último de ellos cuenta:
Estaba con mi amante cuando escuché que llegó su esposo; entonces me escondà en el refrigerador y después no supe que pasó.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
yo mamas so stupid she got hit by a parked car
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. (And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…)
Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!
If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge is group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…its cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when its good you dont want to get off, and when it isnt… you cant wait to throw up.
Because they have Web feet!
Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash,
then your situations hopeless and your systems gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!