Old and New Jokes

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?

He says, You know, Miss Stukowski, youre the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way its painted.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wifes, and she says Im damn lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I dont try to run her life and I dont try to run mine.

My wife doesnt care what I do away from home, as long as I dont enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time shes going to leave me. Gosh, Im going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel theyre entitled to a little fun first.

Say to the groom, Your bride will now expect a mink. Then to the bride, You know how women get minks? …the same way minks get minks!

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Sign in a marriage counselors window: Out To Lunch, Think It Over.

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If youre looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Some women marry men thinking theyd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.

Sorry I cant make your wedding, Im half full under the table.

Sorry I cannot be at wedding…please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of ones wifes relatives.

Take an interest in your husbands activities: hire a detective.

Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes, hold your nose Then see how it goes…

The average persons life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where theyre going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Uruguay!
Uruguay who?
You go Uruguay and Ill go mine!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lucinda!
Lucinda who?
Lucinda in the sky with diamonds…!

One day, a blondes neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!

Una viuda octogenaria se presenta al ginecólogo para que le extienda un certificado de virginidad.

¡Pero, doña Cástula, cómo quiere que le extienda ese certificado si usted ha enviudado tres veces!

Mira, mijito, mi primer esposo era PRIísta y con él puro dedazo. Mi segundo esposo, era PRDista y con él, pura lengua. Y mi último esposo era PANista, y una vez que estaba arriba no sabía qué hacer.

How does a pregnant lady know she is going to give birth to a future lawyer?



She gets this terrible craving for bologna!

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome blonde muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.



Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if hell carry her groceries out to which he responds, Sure lady.



They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, You know, I have an Itchy Pussy.



He responds, Youll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

A: Well hung!