Old and New Jokes

There once was a man named Joe and he was talking to God and he asked, How much is a penny worth in heaven? God replied, One million dollars. Then Joe asked, How long is a minute in heaven? God said, One million years. So Joe asked for a penny and God said, Sure, just wait a minute.

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

They both have wet noses!

Q: Why can you never trust a woman? A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake.

They were having terrible luck, they werent catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, I got something, I got something!

So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, its a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish. Well they think thats a pretty good deal, so they agree.

The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, I want you to double my IQ. The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly hes solving all of these problems they had been working on for months.

So the next scientist thinks thats pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, I want you to tripple my IQ. So the Mermaid says, No problem. snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS and Cancer.

So the last scientist is really excited about all of this. He tells the Mermaid, I want you to quadruple my IQ.

The Mermaid looks at him and says, Are you sure about this? Im not so sure you want to do that. But the scientist is stubborn and tells her, You granted the other guys wishes, now grant mine or were not letting you go.

So the Mermaid sighs and says, Whatever you want.

She snaps her fingers and the scientist turned into a woman.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers?

A. They sold their souls to Santa.

Yo mamas so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat

Viagra hairspray, baby. And theres plenty left.
How would you like a ringside seat for The Thrilla in My-Pants-A?
Your illustrious bustiness makes dinner a must for us.
If we indulge in a little depravity, youll see what other parts of me defy gravity.
The flamboycitude of the fracas shines on you mightily and aphroditely.
Baby, you even make my hair erect!
You know when Tyson was nibbling on Holyfields ear? I taught him that.
Baby, Id *love* to screw you — and I dont mean out of your money!
Is that a judge in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?
Honey, Im speechless!
Whats a spectaculastically beautimalicious specimen of pulchritudinally spectacular feminifiscence such as yourself doing in a libationally hellacious pit of despicablamous depravitude like this?

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Don King Pick-Up Line…

Hi, Sweetheart. Can I buy you a referee?

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com ]

Do you qualify to be a redneck? Find out below!

* You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it!

* You might be a redneck if youre considered an expert on worm beds!

* You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!

* You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.

* You might be a redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you do.

* You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard!

* You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!

* You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck!

* You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!

* You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, Someone go jiggle the handle.

* You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table!

* You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!

* You might be a redneck if your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table!

* You might be a redneck if you learned to drive in a monster truck!

* You might be a redneck if Bambi made you hungry for rabbit!

* You might be a redneck if you believe All-Star Wrestling!

* You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldnt be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Le pregunta el profesor a Pepito: ¿Pepito, cuál fue la reina que ayudó a Cristóbal Colón para que hiciera su viaje a tierras indias? Profe, una ayudita. Le contesta el profesor: La reina de Espa… la reina de Espa…

La reina de espadas, profesor.