Old and New Jokes

A man was complaining to a friend: I had it all – money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman –
and then, BAM!, it was all gone!

What happened? asked his friend. My wife found out…

I guess one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they know everything. If they only knew how much they bug those of us who really do.

Seriously though, even the best of us have some imperfections. For example, God only granted me average looks; to compensate, He gave me near perfection in brains, talent, wit and charm.

There ! See how irritating that can be ? Trust me on this one, the thing that increases in size the most on any man when you stroke it is his ego.

Males dont corner the market on ego either. I know a Yuppette whose idea of being unfaithful is turning away from the mirror.

What exactly is an egotist ? Easy – its a person who thinks theyre everything you already are.

Senior Managers at the Maryland State Highway had some of the biggest egos Ive ever seen. Once during a road opening, a bad thunderstorm started to roll in. At the first loud boom of thunder, five of them stood up and bowed.

The Government is the loser on ego-maniacs though. Just imagine if they had to pay taxes on what they think theyre worth.

But I guess overall, egotists arent all that bad. How else could they have a special place in their hearts for themselves.

An
older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription
for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says,
"Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just
dispense it indiscriminately. Please bring your wife
to my office next week and well discuss this in more
detail.

So the following week he shows up with his wife. The
Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments
and she follows him back to the examining room. The
doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks
her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs
her to get up on the examining table and to turn in
various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed
and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir,"
The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you,
I couldnt get an erection either.

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors doeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing I Gotta Be Me around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors doeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing I cant get no satisfaction, gulping down other peoples drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors doeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors doeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose – how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.

The book appeared. It said that Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. And his death came as a real shock.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. The husband says, WHAT?? The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She cant decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, But you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says Okay, Im ready, lets go to the cash register.
The husband says, No – no – no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jacksons ranch know when
it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

2 laughing eyes



2 bowing arms



2 well-shaped legs



2 firm milk containers



1 fur-lined mixing bowl



1 banana



Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.



WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !

After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.

The young man proudly answered “One.” The manager replied “only one, well how much was it for”? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.



He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn’t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.



The manager said “You are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck”.



“No” the clerk said “He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much spoilt you should go fishing!”

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.