March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked–Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Deaths Door–Doctors Pull Him Through
26
Dec
26
Dec
My Sons Wife, all she does is takes, takes and takes. She wants a new wahsing machine so my poor Son buys her a new washing machine. She wants a new kitchen and so my Son spends hundrends of pounds on a new kitchen. It seems all my poor Son ever does is run around at her command and all she does is wants, but my Daughters Husband he is wonderful. My Daughters Husband will by my Daughter anything she wants!
26
Dec
You Might Be A Redneck… …If your dad walks u to school cause youre in the same grade! …If u mow the grass and find the car! …If someone comes to your house everyday thinking youre having a garage sale! …If u sell the car 4 gas money!
26
Dec
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on STUN.
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesnt care if a world is class M or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named SlaveI.
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
26
Dec
RUDOLPHS NIGHT OFF
by Baxter Black
Twas the night before Christmas and Rudolph was lame!
The vet from the North Pole said, Footrots to blame
Ill give him some sulfa, its the best I can do
But stall rest is needed the next week or two.
Great Scott! cried old Santy, he turned with a jerk.
I wont git through Pierre if my headlight dont work!
On Interstate 40 Ill surely get fined
And lost in Montana if Im flying blind!
No cop in his right mind would give any clout
To a geezer who claimed that his reindeer went out!
He gathered the others, ol Donner and Blitzen.
Were any among em whose nose was tranmitzen?
They grunted and strained and made sure made a mess
But no noses glowed brightly or ears luminesced.
Its bad luck in bunches, cried Santy, distressed.
Well fly Continental, the Red Eye express!
Ill just check the schedule, he put on his glasses
When up stepped ol Billy, the goat from Lampasas.
He shivered and shook like a mouse on the Ark
But his horns were a beacon … They glowed in the dark!
Santy went crazy! He asked Why? with a smile
I just ate a watch with a radium dial!
Where I come from in Texas we dont have thick hide
So my skin is so thin it shines through from inside.
If thats true then lets feed him! cried Santy with glee
Gather everything burnin and bring it to me!
So Billy ate flashbulbs and solar collectors,
Electric eels and road sign reflectors,
Firecracker sparklers, a Lady Schick shaver
And Lifesavers, all of em wintergreen flavor,
Jelly from phosphorescellous fish,
Day Glow pizza in a glittering dish,
Fireflies and candles and stuff that ignites,
Then had him a big bowl of Northering Lights!
He danced on the rug and petted the cat
And after hed finished and done all of that
To store up the static lectricity better
They forced him to eat two balloons and a sweater!
Then he opened his mouth, light fell on the floor
Like a fridge light comes on when you open the door!
His Halloween smile couldnt be better drawn
When he burped accidently, his high beams kicked on!
Hitch him up! cried ol Santy, and they went on their way.
I remember that Christmas to this very day.
The sky was ablaze with the stars shining bright.
They were shooting and falling all through the night.
And I realize now, though my fingers are crossed
What I really was seein … was ol Billys exhaust!
26
Dec
Q. Whats O. J. Simpsons Internet address?
A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
26
Dec
Chevrolet Nova didnt do well in Spanish speaking countries … Nova means No Go …
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name Pavian to suggest French chic … but Pavian means baboon in German.
A peanut-packed chocolate bar targeted at Japanese teenagers needing energy while cramming for exams ran headlong into a belief that eating peanuts and chocolate causes nosebleeds.
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, Avoid Embarassment – Use Quink into Spanish as Evite Embarazos – Use Quink … which also means Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA – the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food package labels.
Coors slogan, Turn it Loose, translated into Spanish as Suffer From Diarrhea.
Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since Puff is a colloquial term for whorehouse.
Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means Intimidating Green Ogre.
When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a similar sounding name … but the characters used for the name meant Bite the Wax tadpole.
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, but the Spanish translation came out as It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.
26
Dec
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
Youll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no, no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!
25
Dec
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!
Thats right!, shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!
Thats right! shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
Is it wine?, she asked.
No, the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
Is it champagne?, she asked.
No, the boy answered.
What is it?
A puppy!
25
Dec
Un profesor de matematicas quiere burlarse de sus alumnos y les dice: Chicos, aquà les va un problema: Un avión sale de Amsterdam con una velocidad de 400 km/h. La presión es de 1004 hectopascales, la humedad relativa es del 66% y la temperatura es de 22 grados. La tripulación está compuesta por 5 personas, la capacidad del avión es de 45 asientos, el baño está ocupado y hay 5 azafatas. La pregunta es… ¿CUÃNTOS AñOS TENGO?.
Los niños se miran asombrados, mientras Pepito levanta la mano y responde: ¿44 años, profesor?. El maestro lo mira asombrado y le dice: SÃ, tengo 44 años, pero ¿cómo adivinaste?. Y Pepito le contesta: ¡Lo que pasa es que tengo un primo de 22 que es medio mamón!