Old and New Jokes

Minds are like parachutes; they only work when they are open.

Bill and Melinda Gates are expecting their third child in October, but, they warned, they cant promise that release date, so, it could be November, maybe December and if not, January at the very, very latest.

Whats the difference between a rooster and a blonde?

A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo…

A blonde says any-cock-le-doo…

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just cant please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasnt found a lady yet who likes it and he cant get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks frog, will you marry me? The frog says no And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, its still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: Frog, will you marry me? Frog: No, I wont marry you.

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But thats still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: Frog, will you marry me?

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

Three men (an Aussie, an Irish bloke and a German fella) are in an old plane trying to make it around the world. As they pass Germany, the German fella yells, I love my country! and throws a bag of gold overboard.

When they pass Ireland, the Irish bloke shouts, I love my country! and throws a bag of silver overboard.

When they pass Australia, the Aussie yells, I hate my country! and he throws a bomb overboard.

They finished their flight soon thereafter. When the German gets back to his country, he walks along happily until he sees a small boy crying. Whats wrong? he asks. Can I help?

The little boy cries, A bag of gold hit my mother on the head, and now shes unconscious in the hospital. The German walks away, feeling sorry for the little fella.

When the Irish bloke gets to his country, he sees a little girl crying in the street, and he asks her whats wrong. The little girl replies, My mother got hit on the head with a bag of silver, and now shes in the hospital. The Irish bloke walks off in shame.

When the Aussie gets back, he finds a little boy in the street laughing like a maniac. Whats so funny? the Aussie asks.

The little boy gasps, My dad and I were out gardening, and my dad cut such a huge fart that it blew up the house!

Men are just like a Dog…heres proof!

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both are threatened by their own kind.

4. Both like to chew wood.

5. Both mark their territory.

6. Both are bad at asking you questions.

7. Neither tells you whats bothering them.

8. Both tend to smell riper with age.

9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

10. Neither does any dishes.

11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

12. Both like dominance games.

13. Both are suspicious of the postman.

14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear–
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang O Holy Night to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
bout folks wed send cards to whod sent none to us;
Those ingrates, she thundered, and pounded her fist;
Next year you can bet theyll be crossed off our list!

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, Whos there?
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, Im Santa! I bring you no malice!
Said I, if youre Santa, Im Telly Savalas!

But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, I think hes ok.

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling.

Youll note Ive arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them.

To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections.

Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldnt afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves.

And then, later on, came additional trouble–
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a no avalanche clause.

And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land.

And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead.

My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why Im glowing tonight,
its from flying too close to a nuclear site.

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldnt help notice a tear in his eye;
Ive tried, he declared, to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today Ive become obsolete.

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
no longer can I do the job thats required;
if anyone asks, just say, Santas retired!.

Here is an original joke by Lewis W. Call, and myself.

A small survey of some popular European languages:

Spanish– Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

Russian–There are 33 different ways to say, Comrade, pass the Vodka
or I shoot you.

French–Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you
want to have sex with the person you are talking to.

German–The German word for hello is Echsteinlefahrtengruber. The
German translation for Hey Hans, what say tomorrow morning we climb
into our tanks and roll over Poland? is Hans, Poland, ja?

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: Hes the stiff one.