Old and New Jokes

When in doubt, ignore it.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Question: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Twelve. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says, Mom, look, Im a white boy!

His mom slaps him in the kisser and says, Go show your father!

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, Look dad, Im a white boy! His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, Go show your Grandmother!

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says, Look granny, Im a white boy! His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says See. Did you learn anything from that?!

To which the boy replies, Sure enough did. Ive only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasnt touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?

The Guy: Yeah, Im really depressed

Bartender: Why, whats the matter?

The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

Bartender: Wow, thats horrible. What did you do?

The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, its over

Bartender: Thats pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average
penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is
Jill. Whats yours?

He coolly replies, Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.

Youre Jewish? asked Moskowitz.

Not only Jewish, said the parrot, but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagog on Rosh Hashonah?

Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said Of course Ill take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isnt a secret is it?

No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to. And the parrot returned to his praying.

Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashonah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot.

Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagog in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray.

Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray. Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrots head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off. After the services all of Moskowitzs friends laughed, and collected their money.

Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, Prepare to die you little monster, for Im going to wring your neck! If you can pray, nows the time!

The parrots voice rang out clear, Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days its Yom Kippur, when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol nidre. Why dont you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre.

Why? You didnt do anything today!

Exactly, replied the bird. So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds youll get!

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.

Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guys too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guys feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guys wife answers and says Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Wheres his wheelchair?

Buying a Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?

The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!