Old and New Jokes

• Duct tape wont fix that.
  

• Wrasslins fake.
  

• No kids in the back of the pick-up, its not safe.
  

• Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  

• We dont keep firearms in this house.
  

• Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
  

• You cant feed that to the dog.
  

• I thought Graceland was tacky.
  

• Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
  

• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  

• Were vegetarians.
  

• Do you think my hair is too big?
  

• Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  

• Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
  

• Whos Richard Petty?
  

• Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  

• Deer heads detract from the decor.
  

• Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  

• I just couldnt find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  

• Trim the fat off that steak.
  

• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  

• The tires on that truck are too big.
  

• Actually, unsweetened tea tastes better.
  

• Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  

• My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffanys.
  

• Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  

• Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  

• Checkmate.
  

• Shes too old to be wearing that bikini.
  

• Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  

• Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  

• Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.
  

• I dont have a favorite college team.
  

• Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  

• I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  

• Elvis who?
  

Jewish telegram: Start worrying. Details to follow.

A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts: Gimme a jigger Nigger.

The black man tells him how that wasnt a nice thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment. The Chinese man explains he wouldnt give a shit, so the black man says okay, you get behind the bar, and well try it again. So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy goes outside.

After a few seconds the black man comes in and says, Gimme a drink Chink.

The Chinese man stares at him and says Fuck off, we dont serve niggers.

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal, What is three times three? 297, was her prompt reply. Ummm humm, says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady, Its your turn now. What is three times three? Friday, replies the second lady. Ummm humm…

Then the doc says to the third, Okay, mam, your turn. Whats three times three?

Nine, she says. Thats wonderful! says the doc. Tell me, how did you get that?

Simple, she says, beaming… I subtracted 297 from Friday!

Two Drunk Irishmen are walking down a set of railway tracks,

First Irishman: Jesus Christ Pat, Ive never seen so many stairs

Second Irishman: Fuck that Mick, its this low railing thats killing me

Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you werent.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?

The other replies, Well I dont
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.

So that night he did and God replied, You are what you are.

The next day he said to the other
zebra, I still dont understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.

The second zebra responds, You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

Youll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no, no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!