Old and New Jokes

Tres mujeres mueren y llegan a las puertas del cielo donde las recibe San Pedro. San Pedro se dirige a la primera de las mujeres:

A ver hija, ¿ningún pecado en tu vida? No, San Pedrito. ¿Nunca le fuiste infiel a tu marido? No, nunca. ¿Ni con el pensamiento? Nunca, ni con el pensamiento. Bueno, entonces toma: las llaves del cielo. Gracias San Pedrito, gracias.

San Pedro se dirige ahora a la segunda mujer:

Y tu, hija mía, ¿le fuiste infiel alguna vez a tu marido?. No, nunca. ¿Ni con el pensamiento?. Ehhhh, sí, una vez. Entonces toma, la llave del purgatorio. La que sigue.

Entra la tercer mujer. Un cuerpazo, toda pintada, jeans super ajustados y un escote amplísimo:

Ehhh… Este… ehhh… mmm, dime, hija mía, ¿y tú? Mira San Pedrito, la verdad es que yo sí me metí con todos los que pude: con el panadero, el lechero, el jardinero, el policía de la esquina, el sobrino de mi esposo, el cuñado, el jefe, 3 de sus amigos…

San Pedro la interrumpe: Ya hija, suficiente, toma, la llave de mi cuarto.

Siete ladrones pretendían robar una casa; uno de ellos tomó una escalera manual y empezaron a subir. El primer ladrón se asomó por una ventana y les informó a los demás:

Está oscuro.

El segundo ratero le informa al tercero y así sucesivamente hasta llegar al séptimo. El primero continúa observando y avisa:

Veo una silueta.

Y otra vez, del segundo al sexto, repiten el mensaje.

El primero prosigue:

Es una mujer.

Y los demás repiten el mensaje.

Es una mujer y está desnuda.

Nuevamente se repite el aviso.

Entonces, alarmado, el primer ladrón advierte:

Cuidado, que ya se paró

Y el último de los ladrones dice:

A mí también.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.



He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, Thatll be $5000. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.



Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?



The shopkeeper answered, Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.



The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. That ones even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?



Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff, said the shopkeeper.



The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?



The shopkeeper replied, Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but it says its a consultant.

Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. No, she says, yesterday I nearly got caught!

Why do men enjoy getting head so much?

Its five minutes of peace and quiet.

————–

Why do men enjoy head so much?

Its the only thing a guy gets into a girls head straight.

Do pilots take crash-courses?

If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

A
Minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to
his
Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following

results: The first worm in alcohol — dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke — dead.

Third worm in sperm — dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation — "What
can you learn from
this
demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her
hand and said; "As
long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you wont
have worms."

Because they taste funny.

It is a little-known fact that the mother of famed game show host Monte Hall owns a company that provides exotic animals to zoos.

Equally little known is the fact that a few years ago singer Dinah Shore was working to establish a zoo in the little Iowa town of Tripoli in honor of her relatives from there. As a long-time friend of Monte, Dinah naturally bought many of the animals from his mother.

In fact, many truckloads of animals were shipped … from the zoo of Monte Halls Ma to the Shores of Tripoli!

(By Gene Baumann in The Pundit)