Old and New Jokes

The story behind this joke:… Theres this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the Malibu Barbie.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams dont have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundations Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didnt really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nations capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities

Substitute <ethnic origin> below for the place of origin of any ethnic
group not locally renowned for high intelligence.

A man walks up to a New Zealand sheep farmer and says, If I can tell
you exactly how many sheep you have down there, can I keep one?

The farmer glances at the vast array of sheep, snickers, and says, Sure.

The man looks carefully at the sheep, then says, 5,279.

The farmer, startled, says, How did you do that?

The man says, Id rather not say. Can I have my animal?

I guess so, says the farmer. The man picks up an animal and starts to
walk away.

Wait! yells the farmer. If I can guess where youre from, will you
give me my animal back?

The man snickers, and says, Sure.

Youre from <ethnic origin>, says the farmer.

The man, startled, says, How did you do that?

The farmer says, Id rather not say. Can I have my dog back?

AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clintons firm denial:

I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I cant stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.

I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isnt a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

Thank you. Monica Lewinsky

So these two nuns were driving down the road at night when a scary vampire jumped out in front of their car, causing them to slam on the brakes. The nun in the drivers seat panics, turns to the other nun and says, Quick, show him your cross.

So the other nun hastily rolls down her window and yells, Get outta the way, you ugly big-toothed bastard!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — its half-past three in the morning."Im not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Arent you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didnt take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?""No. Get lost, its half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasnt very nice of you.Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up fromthe baby-sitter and you had to knock on that mans door to get us started again? Whatwould have happened if hed told us to get lost?""But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesnt matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "Im over here, on your swingset.

A MicroSoft Marketing Manager was married to a woman who had been married nine times before. On their wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after nine marriages he would have thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain, and her comments were as follows:

My first husband was an MicroSoft Salesman who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, its gonna be great.

My second husband was from MicroSoft Pre-Sales Support, and he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from the MicroSoft Data Center and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldnt get the system up.

My fourth husband was from MicroSoft University, and he simply said, those who can, do; those who cant, teach.

My fifth husband was from MicroSoft Manufacturing & Distribution, and said that he had the orders, but wasnt quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an MicroSoft Consultancy Manager. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, analyze, design, and implement a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from MicroSoft Channels. His comment was that he knew how, but he just wasnt sure whether or not it was his job.

My eighth husband was from MicroSoft Worldwide Support, and he said that although he sympathized a great deal and had logged the problem, he was unable to do anything about it.

My ninth husband was from MicroSoft Accounting, and said that he couldnt do anything without a purchase order or a directors signature, and would insist on receiving the goods or at least a receipt before he ever paid any money.

The wife then said sweetly to her new MicroSoft husband, now, I am married to you, a man of marketing. The husband looked at his wife and simply said, I know I have the product, Im just not sure how to position it!

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

Congratulations! Youre a free man. Just tell me why didnt you jump? asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, Well Doc, I cant swim!

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him check books.

A mans idea of serious commitment is usually, Oh all right, Ill stay the night.

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldnt even have bothered to have lunch with.

Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Llega el inspector de Hacienda a casa de uno que era rico y aficionado a las apuestas, y le demanda que debe a la administración un montón de dinero.

Caballero, debe usted 25.000€ a Hacienda, y vengo a cobrarlos de los contrario pasará a disposición judicial por estafa al Estado.

De acuerdo, pero si no le importa antes me gustaría apostar con usted.

¿Cómo dice?

Me apuesto con usted 50.000€ a que tengo los testículos cuadradros, con forma cúbica.

Oiga, eso es imposible.

Pues si cree que es imposible apueste, yo apuesto 50.000€ a que los tengo totalmente cuadrados.

De acuerdo, los apuesto.

Pero para una apuesta tan fuerte, para evitar malentendidos, mejor vamos a un abogado para que testimonie la apuesta, ¿verdad?

Buena idea.

Vamos, pues.

Y establecida la apuesta se dirigen a un abogado conocido por el rico apostador. Una vez allí…

Bueno, pálpeme los testículos y ya verá lo cuadrados que están.

Se pone el inspector a tocar y nota unos genitales normales y corrientes.

Ja, ja, jaaa, ha perdido la apuesta, tiene los testículos ovalados como todo el mundo, me debe un montón de pasta!!!

Sí, de acuerdo, he perdido. y le dice al abogado: ahora tú dame los 100.000€ que apostamos a que el Inspector de Hacienda me tocaba los cojones.