Doctor, doctor, que tengo un problema, no se si soy homosexual, y querÃa saber si me puede hacer usted un test.
Bueno, vamos a ver…
El médico le agarra un testÃculo y le dice:
Diga noventa y nueve.
Noventa y nueve.
El medico le agarra el pene.
Diga noventa y nueve.
Noventa y nueve.
El médico le mete el dedo por atrás.
Diga noventa y nueve.
Uno… dos… tres…
Un dÃa la maestra pidió a sus alumnos que dieran ejemplos de cosas que no fuera conveniente poner en la boca.
Pepito dijo, No es bueno ponerse un foco encendido en la boca.
La maestra dijo, Eso es correcto, pero ¿por qué?
Pepito respondió, No sé maestra, pero mi mamá siempre le dice a mi papá: apaga la luz antes de metérmela en la boca…
A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes
up,what the hell was that?. The truck driver replies,
some kinda animal, go back to sleep.
Further the same thing again, bang, What the hell was that?, some kinda animal
again.
Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, What the hell was that?,
Some [ethnic] bastard!. How terrible,says the hitch-hiker, but there
were 3 bangs
The truck driver replies, Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to
get the bastard. . .
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed I cant break this! I need exact change.
Come on buddy. Jack pleaded, Cant you give me a break, just this once?
Nope. Sorry. Exact change! Answered the collector.
While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, Do you really like this job?
Well its not the best job that Ive ever had, but it pays the bills, replied the collector. what do you do for a living? he asked.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, Im a rectum stretcher.
A what? asked the collector.
A rectum stretcher. Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
What does a rectum stretcher do? The collector asked.
Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums. Jack explained setting aside a nickle.
Wow, is there much call for that kind of work? The collector asked.
Oh youd be surprised. Its real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. Its the new trend. Jack said.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, Well if you dont mind me asking, I mean if its not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?
…How big do I stretch them? Jack interupted. Most of them, not too big, He continued, but I have stretched some up to six feet.
SIX FEET! The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?
Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.
There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider who were out hunting. The Aggie brought back a big buck.
How did you get that? they all asked.
I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and boom I shot a buck. Then the longhorn brought back an elephant.
How did you get that? they all asked.
I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I shot an elephant. Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
"What happened?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got hit by a train."
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blond bimbo and made his move by saying, Lets talk. Ive heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, What would you like to discuss?
Oh, I dont know, said the player. How about nuclear power?
OK, said the blonde. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?
Oh brother, said the guy. I have no idea.
Well, then, said the blonde, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you dont know sh*t?
Note: The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had had it in the old days. Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldnt afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didnt have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right youd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so wed use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldnt adjust our skates, which didnt really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner:
In my day, we didnt have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Honorable Mentions:
When I was your age, we didnt have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a bit funny.
In my day, we didnt have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
In my day, we didnt have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didnt get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying Doors closing. We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
In my day, we didnt have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, 60 Minutes wasnt just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
In my day, we didnt have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Back in my day, they hadnt invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
In my day, we didnt have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
Ive got it! said the astronomer. You are bored with driving and I am
weary of lecturing. Lets exchange places for one night. It will be a
refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word
and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway. The driver agreed and
the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled
to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly
delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric
applause. Then came the question and answer period.
Who discovered Uranus? came from a boy in the front.
Uh…William Herschel. He remembered that from somewhere.
And who discovered Pluto? continued the boy.
Aaaa…that would be Clyde Tombaugh. He had read a little.
Then from the back: Would you please comment on the relative merits
of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for
the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?
The speaker paused for a moment, then said, I am surprised that you
would bother to ask me such a simple question. To show you how really simple
it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? Their middle name.
OCR – Optical Character Recognition
A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided theyre in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and youre prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1s that came out as ls, all the Os that came out as 0s, and all the :s that come out like ;s.