Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a eunuch and an Eskimo?

A: A eunuch is a massive vassal with a passive tassel, while an Eskimo is a rigid midget with a frigid digit.

Un asmático sube con problemas 5 pisos, llama a la puerta y le abren.

Doctor, tengo mucha asma, ¿qué me recomienda?

Fácil: no fume, no beba, descanse y cómprese unos lentes.

Y ¿que tienen que ver los lentes con el asma?

Son para que encuentre la casa del doctor, que está abajo, yo soy albañil.

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?



With their cell phones!

Youre waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.



College sweatshirts are casual instead of dress up.



Your parents charge rent.



Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.



The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.



Its getting late when its 11:00 p.m.



Three words: School Loan Payments.



You make thousands of dollars a year – and still cant afford that dream Porsche.



You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by games end.



THEN, discussing with your friends: GPAs, phone rates and tonsil hockey;

NOW: IRAs, Interest rates and their kids orthodontia.



Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.



Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.



Sneakers are now weekend shoes.



Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.



Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.



Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.



The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.



The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.



You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN, Sportscenter and MTV News.



Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.



You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.



You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.



You empathize with the characters from Friends.



METABOLISM SLOWDOWN



Football season tickets go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends to $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.



Wine appreciation expands beyond Boones and Mad Dog.



You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.



Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.



When drinking, you say at least once per night, I just cant put it down the same as I used to.



You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.

A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old ladys arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.

A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, She was waving a firearm.

Yo mama so ugly when she was born they used a tinted incubator.

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. What was that for? he asked.

She said, I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall!!!

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?
Ten, she replied.

What are their names? he asked.

David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David, she answered.

Theyre all named David? he asked What if you want them to come in from playing outside?

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just call David, and they all come running in.

And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?

I just say, David, come eat your dinner, she answered.

But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? he asked.

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just use their last name!

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
What does geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that if you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
If a 7-11is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are their locks on the doors?
Why are their Interstates in Hawaii?
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when its against the law to drink and drive?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful — she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way — but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.