Old and New Jokes

Una gallina que vivía en una granja lejana de la civilización llegó corriendo al chiquero de los puercos.

En el chiquero sólo se encontraba un puerquito bañándose de lodo. La gallina al verlo, se burla de el y le da la mala noticia: TE VAN A MATAR PUERQUITO.

El puerquito, preocupadísimo y todo palido de la impresión del comentario de la gallina, le pregunta:

¿Y PORQUE DICES QUE ME VAN A MATAR GALLINITA?

La gallina le contesta:

Es que en la mañana escuché al patrón decirle a su señora que en la tarde le diera chicharrón a la gallina…

Dos madres se encuentran por la calle y una le dice a otra:

Hola ¿qué tal estás?

Y responde la otra:

Yo bien, pero a mi hijo le han detectado sida.

Y la otra le dice alarmada:

¿Y cómo lo llevais?

Pues con mucho amor y pizza.

¿Pizza?

Sí, es que es lo único que pasa por debajo de la puerta.

Paddy and Mick shared first prize of $500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.

But Paddy, Oive been thinking, Mick said with a worried frown, what will we do with all them beggin letters?



Shure, said Paddy, well go on sending em out.

A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number — room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.

One way ticket across the country

A grooms friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.

When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.

The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say I do.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I see myself in your pants.

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mothers house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs, and hell take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest. Dont worry, Maria, says the mother, All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you. So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and hes got hairy legs!. Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs, and hell take good care of you. So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half! Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother. This is a job for Mama!

Youre getting old when your get-up-and-go depends purely on whether you had prunes for breakfast.

There are two ways of keeping from growing old – lie about your age and drink while driving.

You know your getting on if you order a martini with a prune in it.

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told

by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.

At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. Ive got a difficult decision the VP says, I either have to Lay You or Jack off.

Oh? jack-off, Mary says, Ive got a headache.