Dude, why did God invent man?
Because a vibrator cant mow the lawn!
24
Aug
24
Aug
La maestra da la clase sobre invertebrados. Al terminar, pregunta a los alumnos:
Juanita, ¿cuál es el invertebrado más diminuto que conoces?
La oruga, maestra.
Muy bien, Juanita.
Y asÃ, continúa con los demás alumnos, hasta que le toca el turno al niño sabelotodo del salón, el tÃpico con lentes, calculadora cientÃfica en el bolsillo, corbata y toda la cosa.
A ver, Salomón, ¿menciona un invertebrado pequeñÃsimo que conozcas?
Se para el chiquillo al lado de su banca y con voz erudita dice:
El invertebrado más diminuto que conozco es la fafarafa, maestra.
De momento, la maestra se queda pasmada (como era el niño sabio, no sabÃa si desmentirlo o qué).
Salomón, ¿podrÃas explicarnos que es la fafarafa?
SÃ, maestra. La fafarafa es un pequeño animal que habita en la cabeza, sobre los huesos occipitales, y se alimenta de células muertas que caen sobre la cabeza, lo que comúnmente confundimos con polvo o tierra.
La profesora se queda aún más estupefacta. Al fondo del salón, Pepito ve su oportunidad.
Ora si me lo chingo, piensa felizmente mientras levanta la mano.
Yo, maestra, yo.
SÃ, Pepito, ¿cuál es el invertebrado más diminuto que conoces.
El feferefe, maestra.
¿PodrÃas explicarnos que es eso?
Claro, maestra. El feferefe es un animal pequeño que habita sobre los huesos occipitales de la cabeza y se alimenta de polvo o tierra. A diferencia de la fafarafa, el feferefe tiene un fifirifi para meterlo al fufurufu de la fafarafa.
23
Aug
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fiona!
Fiona who?
Fiona lookout for Mum & Dad
23
Aug
Cesium the Beautiful
Oh beautiful for blue of skies,
Among thy spectral lines.
When cast upon the waters clear,
Thy splendid fire shines.
Oh Cesium,
Oh Cesium,
Our days we trust to thee.
Thy faultless rhyme,
In keeping time,
From care doth set us free.
—Songs of Cesium #68
23
Aug
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…
THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated:* Are you still talking?
YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated:* I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.
23
Aug
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, whod been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up.
Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?
She looked at him and indignantly asked, Well Duh! Cant you see Im still winning?
23
Aug
Un dÃa se acerca una joven al confesionario y dice:
Padre, confiésome porque he pecado.
A ver hija, ¿qué te ha pasado?
Padre, ayer me he acostado con el cura de la parroquia vecina.
Muy mal hecho, hija, muy mal, porque tú perteneces a ésta.
23
Aug
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaohs daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Davids Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
23
Aug
A pregnant women gets caught up in a bank raid and gets shot in the stoumach 3 times
.she survies but the doctors say that each of her children will pee out a bullet when they are older.She has 3 children 2 girls and a boy.when her first daughter is 6 she runs to her mum and says mummy mummy i wee weed out a bullet her mum replies its ok darling
.when her second daughter is nine she shouts to her mum and saysmum i peed out a bullet she replies thats ok
When her son is 13 he runs down the stairs and shouts mum mum she says calmley i know you peed out a bullet he says no i was having a wank and i shot the dog!.
23
Aug
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why isnt there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Whats another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If youre cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
why nobody eats the lolly pop ladies.