Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

To brighten your day – from the NY Times News Service:

His obnoxious brother – Please Gogh

His brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh

His brother who worked in the convenience store – Stopn Gogh

His grandfather from Yugoslavia – U. Gogh

His brother who bleached his clothes white – Hue Gogh

His cousin from Illinois – Chica Gogh

His uncle, the magician – Wherediddy Gogh

His cousin from Mexico – Amee Gogh

His Mexicans cousins American half brother – Grin Gogh

His nephew who drove the stagecoach – Wellsfar Gogh

His constipated uncle – Cant Gogh

His ballroom dancing aunt – Tang Gogh

$90,000/month in child support; $150,000/month for the childs diction lessons.
Restraining order keeping Keith 50 yards away from her bathroom medicine cabinet at all times.
Cash value from his Lloyds of London Lip Insurance policy.
Custody of Bill Wymans wife and the rest of the kids.
Satisfaction, Baby!
Has to admit publicly that Steven Tylers lips are fatter than his.
Jerry keeps: sports cars and palatial estate Mick keeps: walker, clapper and Matlock videos
Financial support for her destitute brother, Arsenio.
Jerry keeps the kids; Mick keeps Kato.
You cant always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get half his stuff.
Keith must be removed from the wine cellar and given a proper burial.

Neck-tarines !

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Did you hear about the smart blonde? You wont either.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, You know mate, back home, we shear those!

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, Im not bloody SHEARING this with no one!

A un hombre le empieza a salir vello en toda la cara. Un día se ve al espejo y ve que toda su cara está llena de pelo; de inmediato acude al médico y entra a la consulta gritando:

Doctor, doctor, ¿qué padezco, qué padezco?

Con infinita ternura, el galeno responde:

Padece un osito.

An Asian gentleman walks into an American bank needing to exchange currency. Handing over 55 yen, he is told by the teller that the equivalancy in american dollars will be $96.00. completing his transaction, he smilingly leaves the bank. One week later he returns to again, exchange some cash. Giving the teller 55 yen, he is told that the equivalancy will be $91.00. What you talk about!, he exclaims. Last week I come in, 55 yen is $96.00 dollar and today it only $91.00, you trying to cheat me?. No sir, the teller tried to explain, ..fluctuations…

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.

Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.

The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.

At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done…

Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.

A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.
How many poles did your group set? He asked. Two. Replied the Blonde forewoman.

What! Just, two! exclaimed the Supervisor. The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?

It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us, replied the Blonde. But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!