Old and New Jokes

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washingtons picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you cant drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it chili if its hot?

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.

Un profesor de primer año de Medicina está dando a sus alumnos la primera lección sobre autopsias en la morgue y les dice:

Para hacer una autopsia, hay dos elementos básicos: el primero, no tener ninguna repugnancia.

En ese momento, el profesor introduce un dedo en el ano del muerto y luego lo chupa. A continuación pide a los estudiantes que hagan lo mismo y luego de un rato de silencio temeroso, éstos comienzan a obedecer. Cuando ya todos los alumnos han terminado de chuparse con asco el dedo, el profesor prosigue:

El segundo elemento fundamental, es un sentido muy agudo de observación: yo metí mi dedo anular, pero me chupé el índice.

Why are camels called ships of the desert?

– They are full of Arab semen.

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

Its a very handy thing, God told the couple. I was
wondering if either one of you wanted the ability? Adam jumped up and blurted out, Oh, give that to me. Id love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When Im out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to. On and on he went like an excited little boy…

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldnt mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. Whats left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms.

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

How do you know when a womans about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with A man one told me ….

If I like it, its mine.

If its in my hand, its mine.

If I can take it from you, its mine.

If I had it a little while ago, its mine.

If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If Im doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

If I saw it first, its mine.

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

If its broken, its yours.

The last words of a chemist:

4. … and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

One day 3 dogs wer sitting in front of the vets office. The 1st dog notcies the othher dogs and asked them what they did.

i ate my owners cord said the first dog.

and im getting put 2 sleep.

me 2said the 2nd dog.

what did u doasked the 1st dog to the 3rd dog.

well u c my owner likes 2 do her house work in the nude so yesterday she was vacuuming in the nude of course and i couldnt resist i jumped on and had the ride of my life.

responded the 3rd dog.

so your getting put 2 sleep 2?

asked the 2nd dog.

no, im getting my nails trimmed.