The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.

After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.

After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.

Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.

This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)

Hot Dang, the Pope says to His-self, If hes getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!.

They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.

Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out Hey Pete! Whats the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. Were putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because hes the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!

Una pareja tuvo su primera cita y salieron una noche. Cuando salieron, él se dio cuenta que no llevaba dinero en efectivo y acordó que le iba a pagar a ella $500 por los gastos de la cita que tuvo que desembolsar. Al otro día decide enviarle un cheque a través de su secretaria, pero para que ésta no se enterara de la relación que hubo entre los dos, le da a entender que el dinero es en pago por el alquiler de un apartamento. Sin embargo, el tipo decide enviarle un cheque por $300 en lugar de los $500 acordados y le expone las siguientes razones:

Estimada señora:

Le envío $300 en vez de los $500 acordados en pago del apartamento que alquile pues esperaba otra cosa:

1ro. Esperaba un apartamento sin estrenar.

2do. Que tuviera calefacción.

3ro. Que fuera pequeño y resultó todo lo contrario, pues estaba usado, era frío y ancho.

Atentamente, Sr. Inconforme.

Al recibir esto, la joven señora le contesta:

Estimado caballero:

Le devuelvo su dinero pues en verdad no lo necesito, pero debo decirle con referencia a lo que dice su carta que usted tenía que saber:

1ro. Que un apartamento tan bonito no podía estar sin estrenar.

2do. Que con seguridad usted no supo encender la calefacción.

3ro. Que yo no tengo la culpa de que usted no tenga suficientes muebles para llenar el apartamento.

Atentamente,

La Dueña.

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.



Another guy says, Whats that? The first guy says, That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.



Another one says, My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.



A girl asks, Whats that?



He says, That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.



A lady says, Thats nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.



Larry says, A wife? Whats a wife?



She says, That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dawn!
Dawn who?
Dawn leave me out here in the cold!

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.

The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.

Joke found on http://www.jokedepot.com

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker-night
10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work
on this program. Can you help me? Dear Sir,
This is a very common problem men complain about but
is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed
by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to
uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have
tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up
with more problems than original system. Look in your
manual under Warnings – Alimony / Child Support. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General Protection
Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur. The best course of
action will be to push apologize button then reset button
as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long
as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great
program but is very high maintenance.

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.A red head said, O.K., whats the capital of Wyoming? The blonde replied, Oh, thats easy, W.

Late-breaking news: Federal investigators have revealed that yesterdays
record drop in the stock market was apparently triggered by two
high-school students operating out of a basement somewhere in Western
Pennsylvania. The names of the suspects, both minors, have not been
released. Arrest warrants have allegedly been issued, but the student
hackers apparently have not yet been apprehended. A spokesman for the
FBI refused to comment on the rumor that the two had managed to leave
the country carrying millions of dollars in cash and gold.

Just after the close of stock trading on Monday, the Washington Post
received a call from two individuals who claimed to be the stock market
hackers. The callers explained that they have been breaking into the
computer systems of major brokerage houses for several months,
adjusting the price of various stocks. This was done by telephone,
using a Macintosh personal computer and, later, a Perq workstation that
the pair had retrieved from a dumpster at CMU. The callers claim that
they finally cracked security on the New York Stock Exchanges new
supercomputer about two weeks ago.

It was ridiculously easy, said one of the hackers, who identified
himself only as Captain Weenie. The password was Scrooge. What
turkeys! After we bounced a few stocks, they got suspicious and changed
the password, but it was too late. We had Trojan horses planted all
over that system by the time they got wind of us. We were just playing
around, trying to keep ahead of them, and making some pocket money on
the side. We had a big pile of gold hidden in this hollow tree. We
joked about buying a Cray with it, but we didnt have enough yet. You
cant just buy the machine and put it in the basement, and my mother
would have been pretty suspicious if we put up a big air-conditioned
building in the back yard. The projection TV was bad enough–we told
her we did some programming for the guy who owned the store. Anyway,
today the (expletive deleted) Perq went crazy and we decided that we had
better go underground in a hurry.

The two went on to explain that the record-breaking plunge in stock
prices was triggered unintentionally when faulty floating-point
microcode on the Perq put the machine into an infinite loop in the
middle of a routine that selected a stock at random and issued bogus
sell orders. By the time the machines plug was pulled, nervous
investors had noticed the dramatic downward trend and had begun to sell
off their own holdings. The market was probably going to crash
anyway, one of the callers claimed, but I wish they had debugged that
microcode.

Professor Douglas Tygar of Carnegie-Mellon University, an expert on
computer security, has been summoned to the White House for urgent
consultation on how such break-ins can be prevented in the future. As
he was boarding the private jet at Greater Pittsburgh Airport, Tygar was
heard to comment that the root password for the stock exchanges main
computer should have been at least eight characters long, and probably
should not have been the name of a comic book character. Tygar denied
rumors that he had accepted the post of Secretary of the Treasury,
claiming that he would rather be director of the National Security
Agency.

> 20-Oct-87 01:48 Scott E. Fahlman Stock Market
> From: Scott E. Fahlman <Fahlman@C.CS.CMU.EDU>

I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worms never glum. Its hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!

Scientists predicted that a flood would come and totally flood the earth.


So…


The Pope said to the catholics: Pray and meditate on Gods word.


The Head Buddhist said: Contemplate and you will reach nirvana.


Then the head Rabbi said: My fellow Jews, we have three days to learn how to breath under water.